Regression

I feel myself regressing in my faith already.  I feel so angry.  I don’t feel like praying anymore.  I feel like pulling away from Him.  What’s the point anyway, it doesn’t seem to make much difference if I pray or not? 

It reminds me of a time 15 years ago when my girlfriend, who I thought was the one, hurt me beyond repair.  Her betrayal was so deep that I never wanted to let myself be vulnerable or open like that again.  I never wanted to let someone get that close, because then they might hurt me too.  So, even though I loved my wife, I never let her get that deep.  I never let her have all of my heart.  I always kept some back.  It keeps you from living and enjoying the fullness of the love that you have with another person, but it also keeps you from being hurt again.  And the sacrifice is worth not living that pain again.

Well, that’s how I feel now.  That I opened myself up, became vulnerable like I had never become vulnerable, trusted like I had never trusted, believed like I had never believed, put all of my faith in God and never once doubted that He wanted to do this; and then He took it away, or let it be taken away, whatever.  At this point, it’s the same thing to me.  If He’s not part of the solution, then He’s part of the problem. 

So, now I feel like regressing, closing myself off, and going back to hiding behind the mask.  Closing myself off from the world that I had been trying so desperately to change.  I can’t be an ambassador of the faith like this.  I can’t talk about how great God is like this.  I won’t be convincing, because at the moment, I don’t believe it.  And in the immortal words of my mother, if you don’t have something nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.  So, that’s what I feel is happening to me; I’m just refusing to say anything at all.  I don’t want to hurt someone else’s faith.  I don’t want to be a bad apple that spoils the whole batch.  I just want to be left alone to lick my wounds.

It took me over ten years to finally move past the hurt of my ex-girlfriend and let my wife in…twice as long as I was even with that girl.  I’ve finally let my heart heal.  I still have a scar…always will…but it doesn’t keep me from loving my wife fully or giving her all of me.  I wonder if this will be the same.  How long will I hurt?  How long until I can trust or believe again?  

We haven’t given up on having a baby.  We are still moving forward with other options.  I just feel like now it’s just two of us, instead of three.  Not because we are intentionally keeping God out of it, but more because neither my wife nor I feel like He really wanted to be a part of it.

Salt in the Open Wound

Today, I went to Hobby Lobby to do some last-minute Christmas shopping.  I was looking for a picture frame, and as I walked down the aisle, I saw the worst thing I could possibly see.  In every frame were pictures of laughing, happy couples with babies.  Smiling faces of beautiful babies with people that love them and cherish them.  People that easily could have been us.  And in every face, I tried to picture that was my wife and I holding that baby, but I couldn’t, because it isn’t.  I almost broke down in tears right there on the frame aisle.

Deciding that I couldn’t endure anymore of that, I went to a different section of the store.  Almost on every other aisle, there was a little baby, sitting in a shopping cart, big eyes looking at all of the new and wonderful things on the shelves.  Section after section, I walked the entire store, and little babies were in every single one.  It felt like repeatedly being punched in the gut.  Like I was in a circle of bad guys, and as one punched me, I would fly across the circle, where I would immediately be punched again and fly across the circle to repeat this process over and over.

I hurriedly made my way to check out and got out of the store as quickly as possible.  I guess it wasn’t enough that He took our baby away, now He has to throw it in my face as well?!

End of All Hope

Well, the second test came back negative.  I’m devastated.  I have so many questions, and absolutely no answers to any of them.  Most of them start with “Why?”  Why did God let this happen?  The God of the universe, who can do and overcome anything, why didn’t He?  Why didn’t He answer our prayers, and the prayers of dozens of people praying for us?  Why didn’t He fulfill His promise to me?  I know that sometimes prayers aren’t answered, because the outcome could be bad or selfish, and the answering might even counteract someone else’s prayers.  But how could that possibly apply here?  How could bringing another miracle into the world in the form of a little baby possibly be bad?  How could that hurt anyone?  And even if it might, in some unforeseen way, then God can overcome it, right?

I feel so betrayed.  During every step of this process, the first thing on my mind was to praise God.  I sat here just three days ago and thanked Him for this miracle, and He accepted it, knowing three days later that He was going to take it away.  My wife has struggled to have faith, struggled to have hope, struggled to believe that God wanted to do this for us.  And at the exact moment after four years of struggling when she was finally starting to allow herself to hope and believe, He took it away from her.  Why would He do that?  Why wouldn’t He want that kind of testimony in the world, encouraging others and spreading that faith and hope like wildfire?  Why would He set her spiritual walk back, when she was so tentative and new in trusting Him and trusting that next step?  I hurt for her and what this will do to her.

Positive!

The first test came back positive!  We might finally be pregnant.  After four years and five doctors across two countries, we might finally have a little baby of our own!  Praise God for being faithful to us and fulfilling the promise He laid on my heart three years ago.  Praise Him for hearing our prayers and giving us the desires of our hearts.  Against all odds, He gave us a miracle, when we thought there was no hope.  Some may say it was the doctors, but we know it was God.  Without Him, this would never have been possible.

The doctors want us to come back for another test in three days, but it’s a formality at this point.  God has this!