Sparring Lesson

Me: "What are you doing, bud?"
Troy: "Playing with my Legos."
Me: "Do you want to practice our martial arts?"
Troy: "Not really."
Me: "Okay, I guess I'll practice alone. I was going to suggest that we put the combat gear on and spar, but I guess not..."
Troy [standing up in lightning speed]: "Yeah, I'd love to do that!"

...all geared up...

Me: "There's a few things you need to remember. Always stand with your side facing me, so you give me less of a target to hit. Keep your hands up to protect yourself. And try to block my kicks and punches and then counterattack with your own."
Troy: "How do I block?"
Me: "You use the three blocks that you learned in your form. The high block, the muscle block, and the low block. Let's practice. We'll go slow, so you can get the hand of it."
Troy [frustrated]: "How come I can't get any hits on you?"
Me: "Well, it's because I have a distinct height advantage on you. I can hit you long before you get close to me."
Troy: "Well, that's not any fun! How do I fight you then?"
Me: "You have to block my kick to draw me in closer, and then strike with your own kick. Try it."
Troy: "I did it! I totally got you in the side! Next, I'm going to kick you in the head!"
Me [laughing]: "How are you going to reach my head?"
Troy: "You're going to have to bend down or get on your knees."
Me: "I'm not doing that!"
Troy: "Why not?"
Me: "Because I'd prefer not to be kicked in the head.  Okay, now you try to kick me."

...catching his foot and holding it...

Troy: "Hey!  You didn't tell me that we could catch the kicks!"

Me [laughing]: "I can't give away all of my secrets, because then you might beat me.  Let me show you what you can do after you have their foot.  Kick me again."

...catching his foot and holding it...

Me: "Now that I have you, and you're off balance, I'll just step forward, pushing your leg, and nudging you with my chest.  And you fall right over!"

Troy: "I want to try that!  Kick me!"

...catching my foot and holding it...

Troy: "What do I do again?"

Me: "Step toward me and push my leg."

Troy: "I did it!  Now, can we practice you falling on the ground and me beating you mercilessly while you're vulnerable?!"

Me: "Great, I've created a monster."

Gear Up!

After Troy got his yellow belt tonight, his instructor, Mr. Tyson, told him that his next belt was camo, and then Troy would be able to start sparring. After Troy walked off, Mr. Tyson whispered to me that he couldn’t wait for that, because he was looking forward to having an excuse to knock him and Jacob, another boy in Troy’s class, out.

Now, I should explain that Jacob is an unending ball of energy. He never sits still. He’s moving, fidgeting, doing cartwheels, and bouncing, all which is laced with incessant talking. And Troy succumbs to his bad influence, so the two of them together is exasperating. Most classes, Mr. Tyson is dealing with it on his own. And on the days that Troy doesn’t go to class, Mr. Tyson is dealing with Jacob alone. There’s even a third boy, Ty, who is also disruptive, so when he comes, Mr. Tyson has three of them. So, I completely understand why he’d want to gear them up and kick them across the room.

Tsking

Me: “Did you eat both of those cookies?”
Troy: “Yes.”
Me: “And you didn’t ask if I might want one?”
Troy: “You should have asked me.”
Me: “If I had, would you have given me one?”
Troy: “No.”
Me [tsking]
Troy: “Don’t be [tsking]ing up in my business! If anyone is going to be [tsking]ing around here, it’s going to be me! I’m the only one that gets to [tsking]!”
Me: “Hey! That’s my line!”
Troy: “Not anymore!”

Language of the Birds

I’ve been trying to work on Troy’s reading all summer. One, to make sure that he doesn’t drop off. And two, to see if the consistency will actually help him improve his speed and confidence. We’ve also been focusing on the rules, such as an ‘e’ at the end will cause the vowel before it to name itself or two vowels together (ea) will take the name of the first vowel (e), which he’s been a lot better at. But I’ve started to really notice that Troy’s able to sound pretty much anything out without my help. Albeit in a strange and intriguing way.

I don’t understand how his brain is wired, so I can’t always understand how he gets from point A to point B. He’ll be sounding something out, making all kinds of noises, and just when I think it’s gone completely off the rails, he’ll blurt out the exactly correct word. And I’m left speechless and in awe.

Troy: “The…wi…itch…was…rah…ih…duh…ih…nah…gah…riding…on…her…bah…roo…muh…broom…on…hah…LEWAH…ali…BABBA…[clicks and popping like an African tribesman]…eee…[sounds like a monkey turning into a bird]…nah…Halloween.”
Me: “Uh, yeah, spot on. Good job, bud.”

Sucked Into a Dream

Me: “Good morning, Troy. How’d you sleep?”
Troy: “Good. I had some weird dreams.”
Me: “Me too! I think it’s because we had chicken for dinner.”
Troy: “What?!”
Me: “Nothing, it’s just a weird theory I have about food affecting your dreams.”
Troy: “So, what did you dream about?”
Me: “Well, there was a zombie apocalypse at a school and a rat named mouse. But those were technically two different dreams.”
Troy: “What happened with the zombies?”
Me: “These zombies had taken over our school, and we had them locked in the auditorium, but then they got out. So, I was living on the roof of the school with nothing to eat but frozen green beans and frozen French fries.”
Troy: “How did they get out of the auditorium?”
Me: “Because the other people with me were stupid, and they let them out.”
Troy [laughing]: “That’s funny! Then, what happened?”
Me: “I managed to trap them all in the auditorium again by setting a trap. Then, I poured gasoline on one zombie and lit him on fire. He started stumbling around, bumping into all of the other zombies and setting them all on fire. And the entire auditorium burned to the ground with the zombies inside.”
Troy [laughing]: “Zombies are so stupid! So, what about the rat?”
Me: “Oh yeah, that was long after the zombies. We were in another place, and we were resistance fighters against some bad guys. And we all had pet animals. I had a sugar glider named ‘Sugar.’ And there was a woman who had a pet rat that she had named ‘Mouse.’”
Troy: “Why?”
Me: “That’s a great question. I don’t know. She was a weird person.”
Troy: “Maybe it looked like a mouse.”
Me: “Maybe. What was your dream about?”
Troy: “I was at my 3D camp, working on my iPad when I suddenly got sucked into it. And then, I was in the world I had created, but it was also different, like the game was adding things on its own. Like there was a haunted maze outside the boss’s dungeon.”
Me: “Why was it haunted?”
Troy: “Because there were haunted monsters in it, and the worst was a haunted elephant that had a knife that kept chasing me.”
Me: “How could an elephant hold a knife? They don’t even have thumbs!”
Troy: “He was cursed! He was walking on two legs. Did you not hear the part about him being haunted?!”
Me: “Okay, so he was like some sort of hybrid now that he got cursed. Got it. Then, what happened?”
Troy: “So, I had to make it through the maze while being chased by the elephant, and I ended up in a second maze. This one was guarded by Cerberus, who was formed when three dogs died in the maze at the same time, and they were fused together. See, if you die in the maze, then you become cursed, and you’re forced to be a monster in the maze, chasing other people.”
Me: “So, that’s what happened to the elephant?”
Troy: “Exactly. The other thing about the maze is that it had a lot of dead ends, which I kept wandering into. Except when you go into a dead end, these giant axes come out of the ground and slice you in half.”
Me: “Oh, so it was really like a ‘dead end’!”
Troy: “Yes. So, Cerberus kept trying to chase me into the dead ends, but I figured out that I could turn invisible by pushing one of the game controls. So, he couldn’t see me anymore, and he got bored and wandered off.”
Me: “Wait! You still had access to the game controls from within the game?!”
Troy: “Yeah, they were in a panel on the side that I could open up.”
Me: “That’s convenient. So, did you get out of the maze or did the axes get you?”
Troy: “I got out, and then I was in the dungeon, which is the last level before the Enchanted Forest. Cerberus followed me into the dungeon.”
Me: “But I thought he couldn’t see you, because you were invisible.”
Troy: “When I passed through the dungeon gate, I was no longer invisible.”
Me: “Oh, like that waterfall in Gringott’s in Harry Potter that removed all enchantments when you passed through it.”
Troy: “Exactly like that. So, Cerberus was chasing me again, but now I had a huge scythe like they used to cut the crops in Egypt, and I swung it around to attack him. But there was also a polar bear there, wearing armor and twirling a giant axe around trying to hit me.”
Me: “That reminds me of the armored polar bears in The Golden Compass.”
Troy: “I don’t remember them.”
Me: “I’ll show you later. Please continue.”
Troy: “So, I’m fighting Cerberus and the polar bear at the same time.”
Me: “Why didn’t you just sing to Cerberus?”
Troy: “Why would I do that?”
Me: “Sorry, I guess my mind’s stuck on Harry Potter now. In the movie, they got the three-headed dog to fall asleep by singing to it. Ooh, maybe the polar bear could sing to him! I bet his voice sounds like Geoff from VoicePlay.” [singing in a deep, bass voice] “Ave Marie, don’t you know I love you so, even though I’m just a polar beeeeaaaaar!”
Troy: “That’s not what a polar bear sounds like when it sings! He doesn’t sound like Geoff!”
Me: “Then, what does he sound like?”
Troy: “Roar roooaaar roar roar rooooooaaaaaaar!”
Me [cracking up laughing]: “That was gold, Troy! Absolutely gold!”
Troy: “But he’s not singing, because he’s not trying to put Cerberus to sleep. They’re on the same team. Both of them had a red glow underneath them, and I had a blue glow. That’s how you know we’re not on the same team.”
Me: “Are you sure he can’t sing?”
Troy: “Yes! Now, back to my dream. I swung my scythe and sliced them both in half. After that, I faced the boss in the Enchanted Forest. He had a cannon on his back that shot lava up into the air. After I killed him, I headed back through the dungeon and the maze, which was easier without Cerberus and the polar bear.”
Me: “Makes sense.”
Troy: “But when I got back to the first maze, the haunted elephant was waiting for me at the gate. He’d just been standing there the entire time.”
Me: “Did he have a red glow underneath him too?”
Troy: “No, he didn’t have a glow at all.”
Me: “Then, why was he attacking you?”
Troy: “Because he’s just psycho!”
Me [laughing]: “He’s just psycho. This is an awesome dream, Troy. I’m going to write this all down, so we don’t forget it. But in my version, the polar bear is going to sing.”
Troy: “He doesn’t sing!”
Me: “But he will!”
Troy: “Arrrgggghhhh!”

Orange Stripes

Well, Troy got his third stripe tonight, which cleared him for testing for his yellow belt next week. I was ecstatic, because as of last week, he didn’t even know his form. Much to his frustration, we worked on it all weekend, and he was nailing it this week. His instructor even told him that his form was the best in the class. I’m so proud of him. He can be really good at this when he focuses and puts in the work.

The Sorting Hat

The lawn people that our neighborhood has hired to mow our front yards do an absolutely terrible job at it. So, I opt to mow my own yard instead. To indicate to the mowing crews to skip my yard, they put an orange traffic cone on the sidewalk in front of my house. When I got back from dropping Troy off at his camp this morning, I saw the usual cone gracing our sidewalk. Only this cone looked like it had seen better days. It was partially crushed, and the top of it was bent over and torn. It looked just like the sorting hat from Harry Potter. I honestly wasn’t sure if they were saying not to mow our yard, or if we’re being sorted into a house at Hogwarts!

I Will Break You!

Troy: “Dada?”
Me: “Troy.”
Troy: “What’s your favorite type of egg?”
Me: “Probably scrambled, but I also like over easy and sunny side up.”
Troy: “I like scrambled too. I don’t like boiled eggs.”
Me: “Boiled eggs aren’t my favorite, but I can choke them down. Why don’t you like them? Is it the taste? Or the consistency?”
Troy: “Both. I don’t like the taste of the white part.”
Me: “What?! The white part of an egg has no taste!”
Troy: “Well, I can taste it. I have strong taste buds.”
Me: “What are you saying?! My taste buds are weak?!”
Troy [laughing]: “Yes!”
Me [in an Austrian accent]: “Dada, your taste buds are weak! They are no match for my muscley taste buds! We are here to show you real taste buds. Not that weak crap that you have! My taste buds will break your weak little taste buds.”
Troy [still laughing]: “Exactly!”

Disney Trivial Pursuit

Troy: “I really hope you get this question wrong, dada.”
Me: “That’s not very nice.”
Troy: “Well, you’ve answered like seven questions in a row! I think it’s time to move on to someone else.”
Me: “You mean move on to you, since it’s your turn next?”
Troy: “Well, yeah.”
Gammy: “How many daughters did King Neptune have?”
Me: “Seven. One for each of the seas.”
Gammy: “Correct.”
Troy: “Argh!”
Me: “Sorry, Troy, but I’m not done yet. I’m now one pie piece behind you.”
Troy: “This is where it starts to get hard. Let’s see what you’re made of!”

…two questions later…

Gammy: “What does Shang put at the top of a pole…?”
Me: “An arrow!”
Gammy: “You didn’t even let me finish, but that’s correct.”
Me: “That’s what I’m made of, Troy. And now we have the same number of pieces.”

…I missed the next question, and it was Troy’s turn…

Me: “What was the name of the Sea Witch in The Little Mermaid?”
Troy: “Uh…I know her, but I forget her name.”
Me: “Well, that’s the question. What’s her name?”
Troy: “That’s not fair! I know who you’re talking about. That should be enough!”
Me: “Sorry, that’s not how the game works. You have to answer the question correctly.”
Gammy: “Maybe if you tell him what letter it starts with…”
Me: “U.”
Troy: “Oh, Ursula!”
Me [fake complaining]: “Argh! When will someone else get a turn?! Stop answering everything correctly!”
Troy [smiling smugly]: “Sorry, dada. I can’t help it that I’m so good at this game!”
Me: “Yeah, you’re doing great, bud.”

Dodging Pigeons

Troy: “Oh! Dada, you almost hit those pigeons!”
Me: “Well, they shouldn’t have been standing in the middle of the parking lot.”
Troy: “Good thing they can fly.”
Me: “I guess. Hey, do you think if I’d hit them that I’d have been able to absorb their power and be able to fly?”
Troy: “No, but that would be cool.”
Me: “Did you know that many Native American tribes believed that they could absorb the powers of their enemies by eating their hearts? That includes animals too, like bears, bison, and wolves. So, by eating their hearts, they could absorb their strength, or endurance, or loyalty.”
Troy: “Wow, no I didn’t know that.”
Me: “What power do you think a pigeon would give us if we ate its heart?”
Troy: “I’m not sure.”
Me: “Probably the power to crap on everything. Coo, coo…splurt! Coo…splurt! And then mama would be walking around the house and start screaming, ‘Who has been crapping all over the house?!’ And we’d look her straight in the eyes…and splurt! We’d crap all over the floor!”
Troy [laughing]: “That’s hilarious!”

Father's Day 2026

Father’s Day turned out pretty well this year. My wife and son cooked me waffles for breakfast, and I got some cool gifts. Since I had recently gotten myself a punching bag to beat out my frustrations and stress, they bought me some new workout clothes. The shirts came bundled in a single package that read “Not to Be Separated,” so i decided that that meant that you had to wear all five shirts at the same time.

The getting them on wasn’t so bad, but the getting them off was a nightmare! At one point, one of the shirts got stuck on my nose. And as I tried to tug it loose, my face contorted into a look of pure agony. I looked like I was dying a painful death on the spot. At least that’s what it looked like in the picture that my mom was nice enough to take at the exact worst time in the process.

Fists of Fury

After watching Troy in martial arts for months now, I noticed that his punches and kicks are kind of weak. He sort of limply throws his appendages out there in a manner that in no way would do damage to an opponent nor even intimidate them. So, I decided to buy a punching bag. My thought is that if he had “feedback,” then maybe he’d learn to throw them stronger. It’ll be good for naturally building muscle too.

Troy donned his little punching gloves and went to town on the bag today. His skinny little arms were a blur as he pummeled the bag left and right. He was dancing around the room while the bag swung slowly back and forth, darting in and out to land a blow and then retreat in defense. He even threw in a few side kicks just to make sure that the bag knew who was boss. After ten minutes or so, Troy finally stopped, chest heaving, sweat poring down his face, and a grin from ear to ear. I guess we’ll see if the newness will wear off, or if this will turn out to be his new routine. It won’t be a total loss though, because I’m planning to use it between work meetings too. I could always use another way to get my aggression and stress out.

First Pedicure

Troy and my wife were invited by Gauge and his mom to go get pedicures today. Gauge apparently enjoys getting them, but it was Troy’s first time. When I asked him how it was, he told me that it was fine. I pressed further and asked him what his favorite part was, and he said the massaging chair. I was expecting him to say the warm water bath, or the hot wax, or even the leg massage. But nope, he enjoyed the chair!

Foot Dreams

Me: “Good morning, bud. How’d you sleep?”
Troy: “Good.”
Me: “Did you have any dreams?”
Troy: “None that I can remember.”
Me: “I had a dream that I stuck my foot in someone’s mouth.”
Troy [laughing]: “Why did you do that?”
Me: “I can’t remember. Maybe I wanted them to taste it. Maybe I was kicking them in the face and it got stuck. Maybe they were talking too much, and I wanted them to be quiet.”
Troy [laughing harder]: “Definitely the last one!”
Me: “That’s what I was thinking too.”

Belt Testing - Orange - Part 2

Well, I guess I’ve been worried for naught. Every single person that tested yesterday earned their next belt. Even the ones that clearly messed up. The belt presentation ceremony lasted an hour, because they did some nunchucks, sword, and bow staff demonstrations as well. Troy got his orange belt, which was a huge relief to go from them not even wanting to let him test this round to passing with flying colors. I guess now we get to start all over, learning a new form and new one step.