Taekwondo - Part 1

My wife and Gauge’s mother have become besties in the last few weeks. They talk all the time and make plans for all kinds of family outings. For example, Gauge is in martial arts, so today, they invited Troy to come try the class with him. I’ve wanted Troy to do martial arts for years now, but I’ve been hesitant because he’s not shown any interest, and because he’s seemed a little too rambunctious. But Gauge’s mother said that’s exactly why they put Gauge in it, because it teaches him respect and discipline. So, we decided to try it, thinking that maybe Troy would be more interested to do it with a friend.

Troy enjoyed the experience. I think it reminded him a little of ninja class, which he’s been bugging me to go back and do again. I wasn’t so thrilled with the instructor or how he was teaching. He had them doing a lot of weird stuff with no explanation as to why or what it would eventually lead to. But the worst part was to find out that Gauge was much more advanced, so he was in an intermediate class, and Troy would be on his own with the beginners. So much for doing it with a friend.

This dojo, Championship Martial Arts, is also ridiculously expensive. The only way to get the overall cost down is to pay for a whole year in advance or to put down a hefty non-refundable deposit, which I’m hesitant to do since I don’t even know if Troy will enjoy it yet. So, I think I may shop around for another place to take him.

Chess Ninja

Me: “How was chess club?”
Troy [shrugging]: “I dunno.”
Me: “You didn’t go?”
Troy: “I did, but I don’t remember.”
Me [exasperated]: “It was yesterday. How did you forget already?!”
Troy: “Oh wait, that’s right, I was a chess ninja, but nobody picked me.”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry that nobody picked you.”
Troy: “No, that’s a good thing.”
Me: “It is? Okay, then congratulations, I guess. What’s a chess ninja?”
Troy: “You know what it is!”
Me: “Obviously not, that’s why I’m asking.”
Troy [frustrated]: “I’ve told you before!”
Me: “Even if you did, I might have forgotten. I’m allowed to forget things every once in a while, you know. So, why can’t you just tell me again?!”
Troy: “So, there’s three chess ninjas, and when people are picking partners to play against, they don’t want to pick the chess ninjas.”
Me: “But what are the chess ninjas? Why don’t they want to pick them? What happens?”
Troy [throwing his hands in the air]: “Oh my god, Dada, I literally just told you!”
Me [getting frustrated too]: “No, you didn’t! You told me not to pick them, but nothing else…twice! Just forget it! I’m interested in your life…I’m asking about it…and if you don’t want to tell me, then I can’t make you! But I want to know, and all you do is argue and fight with me about it. In the time it has taken you to argue that I should already know about the chess ninjas, you could have explained the entire concept to me. Instead, we’re just sitting here frustrated right before I’m supposed to drop you off at school. Why do I even bother?! I might as well turn music on and not talk at all!”
Troy: “I’m not arguing with you!”
Me: “Do you even know what arguing means?! Because that statement was also an argument!”
Troy: “Well, no.”
Me: “It’s when you intentionally and forcefully take the opposite side to whatever I’m saying. Like when I say that I don’t know what a chess ninja is, and you tell me that I do.”
Troy: “That’s not what I’m doing.”
Me [losing it]: “Oh my gah, that’s EXACTLY what you’re doing! Just forget it. I can’t do this anymore.”

…I call Troy’s mother…

Troy’s Mother: “Uh, hello?”
Me: “Do you know what a chess ninja is?”
Troy’s Mother: “No.”
Me: “Great, and Troy has never told you what it is? You’ve never had that conversation with him?”
Troy’s Mother: “No.”
Me: “Awesome! Then, when Troy gets home tonight, can you please ask him about it and then tell me what he says?”
Troy’s Mother: “I’m sorry, but why can’t you ask him yourself?”
Me: “I did…multiple times…but he refuses to answer my question. He keeps telling me that I already know.”
Troy: “That’s not what I said!”
Me: “That’s exactly what you said. So, can you please ask him? It’s the only way that I can get information out of him. He apparently doesn’t like to talk to me like he’ll talk to you, even if I ask him this exact same questions.”
Troy’s Mother: “Uh, sure.”
Me: “Thanks.”

Cow Revolution

Me: “Hey, Troy, that car has a UFO sticker on the gas tank door. Oh and look, there’s a cow flying it. So, he got sucked up into the UFO by the aliens, and then he took over the ship!”
Troy: “Or maybe he’s going to suck the aliens up.”
Me: “Oh, like a revenge thing for sucking up him and his kind?!”
Troy: “Yeah.”
Me: “I like it! Like there’s this intergalactic showdown between the aliens and cows!”
Troy: “Maybe we could write a story about cows versus aliens.”
Me: “Funny enough, there’s a movie called Cowboys Versus Aliens.”
Troy: “And the cowboys win in the end?”
Me: “Why would you assume that?”
Troy: “Because the good guys always win in the end.”
Me: “Why do you assume the cowboys were the good guys?”
Troy: “Of course they were, so they had to win! The cowboys always win!”
Me: “We live in Dallas. I think we know that the Cowboys don’t always win. But in this case, yes, the cowboys won. But why do you think the aliens are always the bad guys?”
Troy: “Because I’ve never met any good aliens!”
Me: “Have you met some bad aliens?”
Troy: “Well, no.”
Me: “I’ve never met any good aliens. But that’s to say that I haven’t met any aliens at all, not that all of the aliens that I’ve met have been bad.”

The Great Hog

Me [passing wind as we walked around searching for Pokémon]: “Oops! That was really loud.”
Troy: “It sounded like a pig was following us. It was like a sort of grunt or snort.”
Me: “Yeah, I guess it did. Oops! Sorry.”
Troy: “Oh my gosh, dada! You just scared a bird and made him fly off!”
Me [laughing uncontrollably]: “I think he was already planning to fly off.”
Troy: “No, he thought the Great Hog was after him!”
Me [breathless]: “Stop! You’re hilarious!”

Pokémon Go

Troy found a boy in his class, Gauge, that is really interested in Pokémon. As it happens, Gauge also goes to aftercare, so he and Troy spend part of their time looking at Pokémon cards. It started with Gauge giving Troy some of his extra cards, so we got Troy his own cards for Christmas. Now, the two of them compare and trade cards, and I think a few other boys have also joined the swap.

Since Troy has been excited about Pokémon in all forms, I decided to download Pokémon Go on my phone, so we could hunt and capture them in the real world. It also serves to get Troy out of the house and to exercise, since you have to walk around to find them. To capture the Pokémon, you have to throw Poké balls at them. But eventually you’ll run out of balls, so you have to find Poké stations to get more balls. So, Troy and I have been driving around the area trying to find stations, which has gotten us back into exploring the town again.

But I’ve found myself getting a little addicted to the cause. For example, this morning I dropped him off at school, and then I spent the next hour driving through neighborhoods and restaurant parking lots to find Poké stations. And well, I might have captured a few Pokémon as well while I was at it. And after his Kumon session today, Troy and I walked around a shopping center collecting stations and Pokémon until my wife finally called and told us to come home! But I’ve enjoyed spending time with Troy doing something that he enjoys, even if I have no idea what I’m doing.

Favorite "Superhero"

Me: "Oh man, one of the stickers is coming off your water bottle."

Troy: "Yeah, the Batman sticker fell off my other water bottle too."

Me [sarcastically]: "Oh no!  Not Batman!  He's your favorite superhero!"

Troy: "No, my favorite superhero is Venom."

Me: "Venom is not a superhero.  He's a supervillain.  Why would you like a bad guy?!"

Troy: "He's complicated."

Me [laughing]: "My boy!"

Morning Drive Conversations

Me: “I like the black paint job on this car in front of us. It’s a matte finish instead of being all shiny. It looks cool.”
Troy: “Oh, they go to my school! See the stocker on the back window?”
Me: “Yeah. I wonder if they’ll go down the main drive or the drive behind the church like we go. What do you think?”
Troy: “Um, both.”
Me [laughing]: “They can’t go down both. It’s either one or the other.”
Troy: “Then, the same as us.”
Me: “I think it’ll be the main drive.”
Troy: “I still think it’ll be both, but you made me choose.”
Me: “Okay, tell me. How can it be both?”
Troy: “Well, the car could get sawed in half. Then, one half could go down one road and the other half down the other.”
Me: “What, you think there’s some giant saw that comes out of the road and cuts cars in two?!”
Troy: “Maybe.”
Me: “Let’s assume for a second that that’s true. The front half’s bum would be dragging on the ground, and the back half would just stop because it wouldn’t have an engine!”
Troy: “Sure it would. It would just have half an engine.”
Me: “Oh, you’re saying that it would get cut front to back not side to side. Okay, but then what’s to keep each half from just falling over? I mean, it’ll only have two wheels.”
Troy: “If it gets going fast enough it’ll be fine. Like a motorcycle.”
Me: “Fair enough. But then who will be driving the side on the right? There’s only one steering wheel!”
Troy: “I don’t know. There’s a kid in the car, right?”
Me: “But for all we know, that kid is four years old. Are you suggesting that a kid in a car seat that can’t even reach the pedals and that doesn’t even know how to drive will be able to navigate half of a motorcycle car on their own?!”
Troy [giggling]: “Maybe.”
Me: “All right then. I’m putting my money on the main drive, and you’re putting your money on a giant saw cutting the car in half and it going down both ways. I guess we’ll see which of us is right.”
Troy: “I hope it’s me.”
Me: “Me too.”

The Missing Bum

Troy: “Why do we have bums?”
Me: “What would you sit on if you didn’t have a bum?”
Troy: “My legs.”
Me: “Those are just bones. That doesn’t sound comfortable. That’s what a bum is. It’s like a built in pillow for us to sit on. And on a side note, some people also think they’re cute!”
Troy: “That’s true. Babies have cute little bums.”
Me: “So do you, now get dressed!”