Stupid Questions

Me: “Hey, Gauge. How are you this morning?”
Gauge: “Good.”
Me: “Did you have breakfast yet?”
Gauge: “I had some cereal.”
Me: “Okay, so are you good, or are you still hungry?”
Gauge [looking at me like I’m asking the stupidest question ever]: “Of course I’m still hungry.”
Me [laughing]: “Okay, let’s find you something else to eat.”

It reminded me of Porthos from the 1993 version of a Three Musketeers.

Cardinal’s Guard: “Are you coming peacefully, or do you intend to resist?”
Porthos: “Don’t be so stupid! Of course we intend to resist, just give us a moment!”

Muddy Diamonds - Part 3

Today, we went to the Wegner Crystal Mine near Mt. Ida to dig for quartz crystals. It was only about an hour from our cabin, but it took slightly longer since we had to pull over so that I could throw up. I woke up with a migraine headache, which was bad enough, but on top of that, I also had a stomach virus, which was making me nauseous. I probably should have just stayed home, but I didn’t want to miss out on the dig. So, I suffered along.

I felt much better after I’d rid myself of everything I’d eaten for breakfast. And I was fine the entire time we were at the dig. The dig site was nestled into an open patch between a forest of trees. It consisted of long snake-like mounds of red dirt and rocks, curving back and forth. There weren’t nearly as many people here as had been at the Crater of Diamonds, so were able to stake off a section where nobody was and start digging.

This site contained mostly quartz crystals…the cast-offs from the crystal mining going on nearby. There were a lot of regular cloudy quartz in broken and chipped rocks, but we were looking for clear, roughly intact quartz with defined points.

Maybe it was because there was an almost immediate reward for their labor, but the kids were much more engaged on this dig. They enjoyed grabbing everything sparkly that they saw, loading up their bucket before we even left the parking lot! And once they knew what they were looking for, they even found some nice crystal specimens. Gauge found a decent size cluster of several crystals about the size of a drinking straw. Troy found a crystal about the size of his thumb! We didn’t pull out any record holders, but we all enjoyed ourselves.

I decided to eat an orange and a piece of bread as we left the dig site, the first thing that I’d eaten since breakfast. It didn’t take long for my wonky stomach to reject the offering though, and we were pulling over on the side of the road again. I decided to lay down when we got back to the cabin and give my stomach a rest. When I got up, I had a hotdog and a piece of bread, which ended up being an almost immediate mistake. I was running to the bathroom to relieve my stomach contents about 20 minutes later. It was a pretty miserable day, so I decided to just head up to bed early and watch a movie.

Muddy Diamonds - Part 2

We started our adventure at the Crater of Diamonds State Park after lunch. It had rained all morning, so Summer was convinced that we’d have amazing luck today. Her theory was that the rain would wash the dirt away and leave the rocks and gems sitting on the surface. But all it really did was make everything muddy. Everyone else must have had the same idea though, because the place was packed to the gills.

The dig site was pretty uninspiring. Imagine a very large open field of black muddy, dirt tilled into rows. Much like farm land. Several puddles dotted the landscape and a few lazy tributaries snaked around the edges and into shallow ditches. It was in one of these ditches that we began our dig. The theory was that we’d have water to wash off the dirt without having to trudge over to the cleaning troughs on the other side of the field.

It was a decent theory, especially since the dig consisted of mostly sludging wet mud into your sifting pan and shaking it in the water to see if anything turned up. The problem was that the mud didn’t come off easily, so it was still nearly impossible to see what you had. And considering that we were looking for diamonds and gem stones the size of a grain of rice, it was an immediately discouraging exercise.

Summer and I pulled out a lot of “trash” rocks, but nothing valuable. The kids lost interest after about three minutes, and they hooked up with other groups of kids to simply play in the mud and water. Rick and my wife watched it all from their chairs in the shade.

After lunch, Summer and I decided to try the other side of the field. She seemed determined to repeat the luck she’d had the last time she’d come. By that point, I wasn’t so interested, but I wanted to keep her company. We half-heartedly dug in the mud while we shared stories about our lives. Honestly, I think I enjoyed the conversation much more than the dig experience.

We came away empty-handed, unless you’re counting the five tons of mud stuck to our shoes, clothes, chairs, and carts. The kids were satiated by getting to buy something in the gift shop, so they got a gem without having to put in the work! But it was an interesting experience nonetheless. I’m not sure how likely we’d be to do it again, but I think dry dirt would be easier to handle.

Muddy Diamonds - Part 1

Gauge's parents invited us on a family vacation with them to go rock hunting in Arkansas for the long weekend. None of us had ever done it, so we thought "What the heck!" It took us almost five hours to drive there, which wasn't too bad until Troy's LeapPad died about halfway. Then, we had to hear "Are we there yet?" every ten minutes.

My wife found a cool little cabin in the woods near Murfreesboro, so that we could all stay together in the same space. The kids shared a room that had bunk beds, which I shoved together. Then, we hung blankets all around it, so that they could have a little fort to play in. We really like hanging out with this family, but I guess we'll really see how compatible we are now that we're stuck in close quarters with each other!

It's supposed to rain most of the weekend, so that ought to make rock hunting interesting. I'm just hoping that we'll get clouds or something to make it cooler.

Heart Problems

Me: “You’re still up, bud? I expected you to be asleep already.”
Troy: “I just got in bed a few minutes ago.”
Me: “What?! Why?!”
My Wife: “He had a heart problem.”
Me: “Oh no! Really?! I had a heart problem one night. It shot right out my chest! I tried to grab it as it flew through the air, but it was all slippery. Every time I tried to grab it, it would squirt out of my hand. It ultimately ended up falling in the toilet! Which was kind of gross. I just stood there trying to decide if I was going to grab it out of the toilet or just flush it down. But I figured I’d probably need it, so I reached in and grabbed it. I made sure to wash it thoroughly before putting it back in, but I could still kind of feel the toilet water on it. So, was your heart problem like that?”
Troy [giggling]: “No, that’s really weird. I just had a pain in my chest, but it’s a little better now.”
Me: “Oh man, that’s terrible. Is it worse than having your heart fly into the toilet?”
Troy: “No, that’s definitely worse!”
Me: “Well, I’m glad it’s not that bad then.”

Sweaty Socks

Me: “What is that smell?!”
Troy [laughing]: “It’s my sock!”
Me: “Well, why am I smelling it?”
Troy: “Because it’s in front of the vent!”
Me: “Why?! Why isn’t it on your foot in your shoe?!”
Troy: “Because I wanted everyone to smell it!”
Me [grabbing the sock and flinging it back to him]: “Gross! Why is it all wet?! Did you spit on it or something?!”
Troy: “That’s sweat, baby!”
Me [laughing]: “That should be your new catchphrase! We can get that on a t-shirt for you!”

Joy's Ride

Me: “That license plate in front of us says, ‘Joy’s Ride.’ Do you think her name is Joy or that she has joy?”
Troy: “Maybe both?”
Me: “I like that. Let’s hope she has joy. We want people to have joy in their lives.”
Troy: “Like a bee on a flower?”
Me: “That’s a good question. Do you think bees get joy from taking the pollen off of flowers?”
Troy: “Yeah, and I think the flowers get joy too.”
Me: “So, you think it brings a flower joy to have a bee walking around on them? Do you think it tickles? ‘Ha, ha, ha! That tickles! You’re walking in my arm pockets! Ha, ha, ha! Stop it!’”
Troy: “I think it tickles, but I was imagining them walking on the flower’s head.”
Me: “I guess that could tickle too.”

Seagull Pearls

Me: “Did you know that some seagulls and albatrosses will grab up clams and oysters, fly really high in the air, and then drop them? The clam or oyster will smash into the rocks below and hopefully crack open, so the bird can eat them.”
Troy: “Yeah. Or they might just open them with their beaks.”
Me: “Clams and oysters can be pretty hard to open. And if dropping them doesn’t work, then they’ll pick them up and smash them into the rocks repeatedly, braining them to death. I guess giving an oyster a concussion will cause it to open in confusion. But here’s the real question. Do you know what a pearl is?”
Troy: “Yeah. It’s a shiny, wet-looking round ball thing.”
Me: “Yes, it is. But do you know why they’re made?”
Troy: “No.”
Me: “Well, imagine that the inside of an oyster is soft and wet, very much like your tongue. And sometimes a little grain of sand gets stuck in there and starts rubbing and irritating the oyster’s sensitive skin. Can you imagine how annoying it would be to have something stuck under your tongue?”
Troy: “Yeah.”
Me: “Exactly. So, the oyster can’t just swish some water around to get it out, like we do. So, it will start to secrete this fluid around the piece of sand to make it smooth and less annoying. And it will keep doing that over and over again until it feels better. That fluid hardens and becomes a pearl. So, basically a pearl is oyster spit.”
Troy [laughing]: “With sand in the middle!”
Me: “Spot on. So, now, here’s my question. When a bird cracks open an oyster and finds a pearl, what does it do with it?”
Troy: “Takes it back to its nest for its chicks.”
Me: “Well, you wouldn’t want a chick eating a pearl.”
Troy: “Not to eat! As a decoration or toy.”
Me: “Come on! You know how babies are! They put everything in their mouths! ‘Num, num…mama, this worm won’t fit into my mouth. Aaaahhh! Don’t eat that! It’s a pearl, not a worm! Oh. Num, num…stop that! Didn’t you just hear me tell your brother not to eat that! No. I wasn’t listening to you, mama. Well, tell your sister before she starts trying to eat it too. Num, num…too late. Oh my gosh! I can’t have any nice things in this house!’”
Troy [giggling]: “That’s hilarious. Is that from a movie?”
Me: “No, I just made it all up.”
Troy: “That should be in a movie.”

Armless Terrorists

Me: “Did you have any dreams last night?”
Troy: “No.”
Me: “Oh. Well, I dreamed that armed terrorists had broken into our house looking for something.”
Troy: “Are there unarmed terrorists out there without arms?”
Me: “I’m sure there are, but armed in this case means that they have guns, like former military.”
Troy: “Why were they in our house?”
Me: “They were convinced that we had something hidden, and they were trying to force us to show them where it was. Uncle Chris and his sister were there too. The terrorists captured Uncle Chris, and I gave him up and ran away.”
Troy [laughing]: “Why did you leave Uncle Chris?!”
Me: “I figured that I’d save myself.”
Troy: “But you should have saved Uncle Chris. I like Uncle Chris.”
Me: “I do too, but it would only have served to get us both captured.”
Troy: “You still should have gone back. Uncle Chris would have gone back for you.”
Me: “You’re probably right. But I ended up running into his sister, and we were going all over the house, hiding and going through secret passages. When we got to the top of the house, I found out that his sister had a phone the entire time! I asked her why she didn’t call the police. I dialed 911, and at the exact moment that it as ringing, my alarm went off and woke me up.”
Troy: “What happened to Uncle Chris?”
Me: “I don’t know. I woke up.”
Troy: “You need to finish the dream tonight. And this time, you need to save Uncle Chris!”
Me: “Okay.”
Troy: “Are you going to tell him about this! About leaving him behind?”
Me: “Probably.”
Troy: “I think you should. You’ll feel better to confess that.”

Arm Pockets

Troy: “Dada, can I have some more food?”
Me: “What happened to the food I already gave you?”
Troy [giggling]: “I ate it!”
Me: “There’s no way that you ate your food that fast. Where did you put it? Is it under your napkin?”
Troy: “No!”
Me: “On the floor?”
Troy: “No, it’s in my stomach!”
Me: “I don’t believe you. Let me see.”
Troy: “I can’t show you the inside of my stomach.”
Me [poking him in the stomach]: “Let me feel it then.”
Troy [squirming and laughing]: “Stop poking me!”
Me: “I don’t feel anything. Are you sure you don’t have it hidden somewhere else? How about in your arm pockets?”
Troy [laughing uncontrollably]: “Those aren’t arm pockets! They’re my armpits!”
Me [tickling his armpits]: “Of course they’re arm pockets. Look at all the space you have in here just going to waste! You could hold so many things in here.”
Troy: “No, I can’t! It would fall out!”
Me: “Let’s try it. I’m going to get an orange.”
Troy [running off]: “Noooo! Mama! Dada is trying to stick an orange in my armpit!”
My Wife: “Why on earth would he be doing that?”
Troy: “He says it’s an arm pocket!”
My Wife: “That’s just silly.”

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

In Troy’s martial arts class if the teacher has to ask the kids to do something more than once, the teacher will make the kids do push-ups as a punishment. I decided that sounded like a fantastic idea, so I started using the same system at home. I get so tired of having to ask Troy multiple times to do something. It’s frustrating for him to ignore us and keep doing whatever he feels like or constantly question us for an explanation, so he can drag it out and procrastinate. So, if I have to ask him more than once, then he owes me three push-ups.

The thing is that they never taught the kids in his class how to do a proper push-up with proper form. So, the kids believe that they can crank out push-ups without pain. But most of them have their knees on the floor or their bums in the air and they don’t go all the way to the floor. The first thing I did was work on Troy’s mechanics, and now he’s feeling that push-up all the way through. He was actually BEGGING to do push-ups in his last class, but he’s not begging anymore. And considering how often he disobeys or mouths off, it shouldn’t be long before he’s got some strong little arms!

It was funny the first time that I told him to give me a push-up with his body straight, lowering himself slowly to the floor and smoothly back up again, he actually complained and told me it was impossible. So, I dropped to the floor in the middle of the den and cranked out ten of them right in front of him. I stood up and asked him if he still thought they were impossible. His cheeky reply was that I was stronger than him. So, I said that I also weighed three times as much as him, which would mean I’d have to be three times as strong. He had no reply to that, and he decided to stop and just do the push-ups. And amazingly, he was able to give me three decent push-ups. He had to give me six more before the end of the day.

Folded Onesies

Me: “If you don’t stop throwing those couch pillows on the floor, I’m going to flatten you like a pancake and fold you like a onesie!”
Troy [laughing]: “That’s a very specific insult!”
Me: “What?! How do you know that movie quote from Shifting Gears?!”
Troy: “You pick these things up.”

Lonely

Troy: “Was mama born on that chair?”
Me: “What chair?”
Troy: “The one in her office.”
Me: “Why do you say that?”
Troy: “Because she’s always on it. She’s in there every day. It’s been like so many years! She needs to get out of there sometimes and walk around.”
Me: “I’m sure she’d rather play with you than be stuck in there working in her office. But it’s her job. Cut her some slack.”
Troy [dejectedly]: “Okay.”