The Secret Agents: Part 2

Troy: “So, where did you really go on Saturday?”
Me: “On a mission.”
Troy: “Dada! I can see from this picture that you’re in some kind of museum.”
Me: “That’s not a museum. It’s an airplane hanger. You can’t see it in the picture, but we’d just caught the bad guy, and I’m actually standing on his neck, waiting for the FBI to arrive and take him away.”
Troy [skeptically]: “You’d just caught a bad guy…at a museum?”
Me: “I told you that it’s not a museum. We were at a small airport outside of town pretending to do a chemical weapons buy. The bad guy got news that we were agents, and our cover was blown. He tried to take off in his private jet, but I used a car to ram the landing gear and disable the plane. After it skidded to a halt on the runway, I rushed on board and ripped the bad guy off the plane and threw him out of the door.”
Troy: “Uh huh, and what was mama doing?”
Me: “Covering me.”
Troy: “I still think you went to the museum.”
Me: “Well, we didn’t.”

The Twelve Days of Troy

Me: “Since you like the 12 Days of Christmas song so much, how about we come up with our version?”
Troy: “Okay!”
Me: “So, you have to think about what you’d send to your girlfriend each day.”
Troy: “Like what?”
Me: “I don’t know. It could be anything. Pick things you like or you think she’d like. How would you tell her that you love her?”
Troy: “Okay, I got it.”
Me: “Great! Hit me with it!”

…ten minutes of composing and editing later…

On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
A kitten playing with yarn

On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Two licking puppies and
A kitten playing with yarn

On the third day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Three cross-eyed hamsters
Two licking puppies and
A kitten playing with yarn

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Four hiding turtles
Three cross-eyed hamsters
Two licking puppies and
A kitten playing with yarn

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Fiiiivvvveee silver dollars
Four hiding turtles
Three cross-eyed hamsters
Two licking puppies and
A kitten playing with yarn

On the six day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Six nibbling bunnies
Fiiiivvvveee silver dollars
Four hiding turtles
Three cross-eyed hamsters
Two licking puppies and
A kitten playing with yarn

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Seven laughing parrots
Six nibbling bunnies
Fiiiivvvveee silver dollars
Four hiding turtles
Three cross-eyed hamsters
Two licking puppies and
A kitten playing with yarn

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Eight baby octopuses
Seven laughing parrots
Six nibbling bunnies
Fiiiivvvveee silver dollars
Four hiding turtles
Three cross-eyed hamsters
Two licking puppies and
A kitten playing with yarn

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Nine bright red lady bugs
Eight baby octopuses
Seven laughing parrots
Six nibbling bunnies
Fiiiivvvveee silver dollars
Four hiding turtles
Three cross-eyed hamsters
Two licking puppies and
A kitten playing with yarn

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Ten random photos
Nine bright red lady bugs
Eight baby octopuses
Seven laughing parrots
Six nibbling bunnies
Fiiiivvvveee silver dollars
Four hiding turtles
Three cross-eyed hamsters
Two licking puppies and
A kitten playing with yarn

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Eleven jumping lizards
Ten random photos
Nine bright red lady bugs
Eight baby octopuses
Seven laughing parrots
Six nibbling bunnies
Fiiiivvvveee silver dollars
Four hiding turtles
Three cross-eyed hamsters
Two licking puppies and
A kitten playing with yarn

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Twelve crawly worms
Eleven jumping lizards
Ten random photos
Nine bright red lady bugs
Eight baby octopuses
Seven laughing parrots
Six nibbling bunnies
Fiiiivvvveee silver dollars
Four hiding turtles
Three cross-eyed hamsters
Two licking puppies and
A kitten playing with yarn

Me: “Bud, I’m not sure how to break this to you gently. But if you send some of this stuff to your girlfriend, I don’t think she’ll stay your girlfriend for very long.”
Troy: “What’s wrong with it?”
Me: “Well, not a lot of girls are into cross-eyed hamsters, baby octopi, jumping lizards, and crawly worms.”
Troy: “Hmmm, then, I guess she’s not the girl for me.”
Me: “Well said!”

The Secret Agents

Me: “We need to leave in an hour.”
Troy: “Where are we going?”
Me: “Mama and I, not you.”
Troy: “What!? You’re leaving me!?”
Me: “Yes, we have to go out.”
Troy: “Why can’t I go too?”
Me: “Look, Troy. I’ve been avoiding telling you, but I guess now you’re old enough to know the truth. Mama and I are secret agents. We’re spies for a covert organization. Sometimes, we get called away on missions. Usually it’s only one of us at a time, but tonight we both have to go.”
Troy: “Dada! Where are you really going?”
Me: “I just told you. We have a mission. Didn’t you ever wonder why Dada is so good at wrestling, boxing, martial arts, fencing, archery, and shooting? I mean I can hit you with a dart dead on while you’re flying through the air! Didn’t you ever wonder why I have such a vast and varied knowledge about so many random things? I need it all to do my job effectively.”
Troy: “I thought you worked with computers.”
Me: “That’s my cover, just like your mother pretends to be a professor. In reality, she’s a chemical weapons specialist.”
Troy: “Mama, is that true?”
My Wife: “Well…”
Me: “Of course it’s true. Why would we make something like that up?! What kind of imagination would I have to have to come up with that story?!”
Troy: “I still don’t believe you.”
Me: “That’s your prerogative. I need to go get my gun. I’ll be right back.”
Troy: “Dada!”

Trapped in a Port-O-Potty: Part 2

Me: “Hey, check that out, Troy! They finally got that guy out of the port-o-potty.”
Troy: “Really?”
Me: “Yeah, look. There’s only a bald patch in the grass where it used to be.”
Troy: “I hope he was okay.”
Me: “Me too. I can’t believe that nobody noticed that he was missing all that time.”
Troy: “I can’t believe that nobody else needed to use the bathroom all that time.”
Me: “Good point. And let’s not even think about what he had to eat and drink in there. I mean it’s been six weeks!”
Troy: “Yuck!”
Me: “Let’s just be thankful that he’s finally out.”
Troy: “Yeah.”