The Collector

Every time Troy and I go out walking, Troy has to pick up every rock, leaf, and stick that he can find to take home to his mother. He insists that she loves his contributions to her growing “nature” collection on her office desk. But I think she just humors him, because he’s her baby. Personally, I think he’s a hoarder. Which means that I have to wait until he leaves the house to throw out everything that he brings home. I guess I’m the dehoarder!

Ghost Dog

Troy: “Dada, there’s a ghost dog up here.”
Me: “Ghost dog?”
Troy: “Yeah, I saw him the other day. He’s sitting on the fence.”
Me: “Oh, do you mean that green Scooby Doo?”
Troy: “Yeah, I think he’s a stuffy, but he looks like a ghost.”
Me: “I agree. He has that light green color like he’d glow in the dark. So, if he’s a ghost dog, then does that mean his name is Scooby Dooby Boo?”
Troy [laughing]: “I like that…Scooby Dooby Boo. Dada, you’re funny.”
Me: “Thanks, bud.”

Demon-Possessed Reindeer

Troy: “Dada, that reindeer on the corner just moved its head.”
Me: “What?! Why is it doing that?”
Troy: “I don’t know, but it just moved again. It’s going back and forth.”
Me: “That’s creepy. I think it’s possessed by a demon. Especially since that other reindeer isn’t moving. Quick, duck! It’s looking this way!”
Troy: “I don’t think it saw us.”
Me: “I’m going to drive behind this truck so it can’t see us, but duck down anyway, just in case.”
Troy: “Whew! We made it.”
Me [looking in the rearview mirror]: “If that freaking thing starts running down the road after us, I’m flooring it. I’m not getting trounced by a demon-possessed reindeer tonight!”
Troy: “But there’s a car in front of you.”
Me: “I’m running it off the road! Dada’s not messing with that demon deer!”

Bobby Fischer

When I asked Troy what he wanted to do today, he surprisingly went and got his chess board. He set it all up and asked me to play with him. He said he’d been playing on a set in aftercare with another little boy and his older brother. He was so confident that he was going to pummel me, so I asked him if he wanted any help or if just wanted to figure it out himself. He said he wanted to try by himself, so I left him to it.

Over the next thirty minutes, I systematically went about taking every single piece he had off the board before cornering his king and ending the game. To my continued surprise, he asked me to play again. This time I gave him some general advice, like not moving a piece unless he had a reason. He should always have a plan or strategy in mind. Or being watchful for attacks when moving a piece. A sacrifice should only occur if it sets up a better attack later on. Things like that.

To his credit, he played much better the second time. He even managed to take my queen when I wasn’t paying attention. That game was much harder on me. I still managed to prevail, but it was a battle. Maybe he’s got a future in chess. I’ve already been talking to my wife about signing him up for the chess club.

The Secret Agents: Part 2

Troy: “So, where did you really go on Saturday?”
Me: “On a mission.”
Troy: “Dada! I can see from this picture that you’re in some kind of museum.”
Me: “That’s not a museum. It’s an airplane hanger. You can’t see it in the picture, but we’d just caught the bad guy, and I’m actually standing on his neck, waiting for the FBI to arrive and take him away.”
Troy [skeptically]: “You’d just caught a bad guy…at a museum?”
Me: “I told you that it’s not a museum. We were at a small airport outside of town pretending to do a chemical weapons buy. The bad guy got news that we were agents, and our cover was blown. He tried to take off in his private jet, but I used a car to ram the landing gear and disable the plane. After it skidded to a halt on the runway, I rushed on board and ripped the bad guy off the plane and threw him out of the door.”
Troy: “Uh huh, and what was mama doing?”
Me: “Covering me.”
Troy: “I still think you went to the museum.”
Me: “Well, we didn’t.”

The Twelve Days of Troy

Me: “Since you like the 12 Days of Christmas song so much, how about we come up with our version?”
Troy: “Okay!”
Me: “So, you have to think about what you’d send to your girlfriend each day.”
Troy: “Like what?”
Me: “I don’t know. It could be anything. Pick things you like or you think she’d like. How would you tell her that you love her?”
Troy: “Okay, I got it.”
Me: “Great! Hit me with it!”

…ten minutes of composing and editing later…

On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
A kitten playing with yarn

On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Two licking puppies and
A kitten playing with yarn

On the third day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Three cross-eyed hamsters
Two licking puppies and
A kitten playing with yarn

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Four hiding turtles
Three cross-eyed hamsters
Two licking puppies and
A kitten playing with yarn

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Fiiiivvvveee silver dollars
Four hiding turtles
Three cross-eyed hamsters
Two licking puppies and
A kitten playing with yarn

On the six day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Six nibbling bunnies
Fiiiivvvveee silver dollars
Four hiding turtles
Three cross-eyed hamsters
Two licking puppies and
A kitten playing with yarn

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Seven laughing parrots
Six nibbling bunnies
Fiiiivvvveee silver dollars
Four hiding turtles
Three cross-eyed hamsters
Two licking puppies and
A kitten playing with yarn

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Eight baby octopuses
Seven laughing parrots
Six nibbling bunnies
Fiiiivvvveee silver dollars
Four hiding turtles
Three cross-eyed hamsters
Two licking puppies and
A kitten playing with yarn

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Nine bright red lady bugs
Eight baby octopuses
Seven laughing parrots
Six nibbling bunnies
Fiiiivvvveee silver dollars
Four hiding turtles
Three cross-eyed hamsters
Two licking puppies and
A kitten playing with yarn

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Ten random photos
Nine bright red lady bugs
Eight baby octopuses
Seven laughing parrots
Six nibbling bunnies
Fiiiivvvveee silver dollars
Four hiding turtles
Three cross-eyed hamsters
Two licking puppies and
A kitten playing with yarn

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Eleven jumping lizards
Ten random photos
Nine bright red lady bugs
Eight baby octopuses
Seven laughing parrots
Six nibbling bunnies
Fiiiivvvveee silver dollars
Four hiding turtles
Three cross-eyed hamsters
Two licking puppies and
A kitten playing with yarn

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…
Twelve crawly worms
Eleven jumping lizards
Ten random photos
Nine bright red lady bugs
Eight baby octopuses
Seven laughing parrots
Six nibbling bunnies
Fiiiivvvveee silver dollars
Four hiding turtles
Three cross-eyed hamsters
Two licking puppies and
A kitten playing with yarn

Me: “Bud, I’m not sure how to break this to you gently. But if you send some of this stuff to your girlfriend, I don’t think she’ll stay your girlfriend for very long.”
Troy: “What’s wrong with it?”
Me: “Well, not a lot of girls are into cross-eyed hamsters, baby octopi, jumping lizards, and crawly worms.”
Troy: “Hmmm, then, I guess she’s not the girl for me.”
Me: “Well said!”

The Secret Agents

Me: “We need to leave in an hour.”
Troy: “Where are we going?”
Me: “Mama and I, not you.”
Troy: “What!? You’re leaving me!?”
Me: “Yes, we have to go out.”
Troy: “Why can’t I go too?”
Me: “Look, Troy. I’ve been avoiding telling you, but I guess now you’re old enough to know the truth. Mama and I are secret agents. We’re spies for a covert organization. Sometimes, we get called away on missions. Usually it’s only one of us at a time, but tonight we both have to go.”
Troy: “Dada! Where are you really going?”
Me: “I just told you. We have a mission. Didn’t you ever wonder why Dada is so good at wrestling, boxing, martial arts, fencing, archery, and shooting? I mean I can hit you with a dart dead on while you’re flying through the air! Didn’t you ever wonder why I have such a vast and varied knowledge about so many random things? I need it all to do my job effectively.”
Troy: “I thought you worked with computers.”
Me: “That’s my cover, just like your mother pretends to be a professor. In reality, she’s a chemical weapons specialist.”
Troy: “Mama, is that true?”
My Wife: “Well…”
Me: “Of course it’s true. Why would we make something like that up?! What kind of imagination would I have to have to come up with that story?!”
Troy: “I still don’t believe you.”
Me: “That’s your prerogative. I need to go get my gun. I’ll be right back.”
Troy: “Dada!”

Trapped in a Port-O-Potty: Part 2

Me: “Hey, check that out, Troy! They finally got that guy out of the port-o-potty.”
Troy: “Really?”
Me: “Yeah, look. There’s only a bald patch in the grass where it used to be.”
Troy: “I hope he was okay.”
Me: “Me too. I can’t believe that nobody noticed that he was missing all that time.”
Troy: “I can’t believe that nobody else needed to use the bathroom all that time.”
Me: “Good point. And let’s not even think about what he had to eat and drink in there. I mean it’s been six weeks!”
Troy: “Yuck!”
Me: “Let’s just be thankful that he’s finally out.”
Troy: “Yeah.”