Mid-Pregnancy Crisis

Our pregnancy plight is totally making me re-evaluate everything.  It's almost like I'm having a mid-pregnancy crisis or something.  I'm more sensitive to my wife and her physical battle.  I filter everything I say, so that it's not mean, because I know that she's going through enough without me adding to it.  I avoid picking fights with her, because I don't want her stressed or upset.  I'm trying to be more attentive and let her spend more time relaxing.

But it's spilling into other parts of life too.  For example, today, I was in a meeting with my boss, and he made this bold, untrue statement about the condition of the team.  I spoke up and corrected him, thinking that he just wasn't as connected as we are to the pulse of the team.  And he looked right at me and told me that I was wrong.  This man who is MIA and has no true feeling of what is going on with us, point blank told me that he knew more than I did.  My first instinct was to get mad at the egotistical audacity of someone falsely correcting me in front of everyone.  But today was different.  Instead of trying to convince him to see it from my side, I just stopped and got quiet.  I kept thinking that this was so stupid and insignificant.  It was a dumb point to argue, and he would learn soon enough of the error of his ways.  In the light of what I'm going through at home, I just don't care about these stupid corporate politics anymore...this game of power.

I sat there watching him get all worked up and passionate about this completely irrelevant thing, and all I could think about was that it paled in comparison to bringing life into the world.  I think he was gearing up for a fight, and I didn't even get my normal flash of heat across my neck.  I just shrugged and let him have his hollow victory.

Becoming More Greek

Today, while doing our Progesterone injection, I asked my wife why we had to heat it before administering it. 

Wife:  "When it's cool, it's too think to inject and be absorbed."
Me [confused]:  "I can't believe that scientists can't come up with a better way, so that it's thinner and easier on the patient.  I mean this is ridiculous to have to ice the area, heat the medicine, inject the shot, and then heat and massage the area.  It's way too complicated!"
Wife [patiently]:  "Well, the medicine needs a solvent, and the best solvent to use is olive oil.  That's why it's so thick when it's cool."
Me:  "Wait a second, are you telling me that this medicine has olive oil in it?!"
Wife:  "Yes."
Me:  "So, every time I inject this into you, I'm filling you with more olive oil?"
Wife:  "Yes."
Me:  "So, every day, you're becoming more and more Greek?!"
Wife [laughing]:  "I guess so, yes.  If you want to think about it like that."
Me [shaking my head]:  "I can't believe this."
Wife:  "What?"
Me:  "I can't believe that I have spent the last fifteen years trying to make you more American, and all of these months, I have secretly been helping you become more Greek.  All of my hard work is being undermined, and I'm an accomplice!"
Wife [laughing]:  "Well, it happens."

Servanthood

For obvious reasons, the doctor told my wife to take it easy, don't lift anything, and don't really exert herself.  So, I have taken over all of the housework.  It's a lot for one person to handle, especially after you've worked all day.  My normal inclination is to grumble and complain that nobody is helping me, but every time I feel those thoughts coming over me, I think about why I'm doing it.  I'm serving my wife, so she can take time to rest while our baby decides if it wants us or not.

Servanthood is a theme that God has been laying on my heart for over two years now.  He has been showing me that the best leaders serve their people.  So, I have been trying to be a better servant with my wife and my coworkers.  To find opportunities to open myself up to helping other people without restraint or thought to what it costs me.

These last couple of weeks have really amped up my servant's heart and tested it with an intense fire.  God has used this opportunity to purify it and take it to the next level.  I was telling my mom about being exhausted from all of the work I have to do, and she offered to come up and help me.  While her gesture was very sweet, I told her that it was something that I had to do alone.  She immediately said that I have always been stubborn and strong-willed like that.  I don't readily or easily accept help.  While that might be true, I told her that that wasn't it.  I felt like God wanted me to go through this, so that I learned not only to be a servant, but to do it without grumbling.  I wouldn't learn that if I had help.  And I wouldn't learn to lean on Him more when I get weary.

I know that God will give me the strength to endure.  I know that He has been preparing me for this exact moment for over two years.  I just need to learn to surrender and let Him use me.

First Blood Test

We had the first blood test today.  It's been ten days since the insertion, so I guess they should be able to tell if we're pregnant by this point.  The results came back positive, but we are reserving our delight at this point.  We had the same result back in December, and it ended up being a chemical pregnancy.  With all of the hormones swirling around in her system, the tests often pick those up instead of the natural ones from the body.  So, we're going to wait until the second blood test, which is on Monday.  This waiting game is torture.

Breakfast Visions

I had breakfast with my wife today, and I could tell that she was agitated.  She wasn't her usual happy self.  Heck, she wasn't even her usual tired and dopey self at this hour of the morning.  She was anxious and concerned.  When I asked her what was wrong, she said that she was worried about the test tomorrow.

I knew she needed to be distracted from worrying.  But I also knew that she needed to be reminded of hope.  So, I proceeded to tell her my visions and dreams for our children.  I talked about getting peed on while changing diapers.  I talked about chasing after our baby after it suddenly learns to walk and gets mobile.  I talked about coaching sports.  I talked about teaching our teenager to drive and parallel park.  I talked about saving up for college and weddings.  I talked about giving them money to start life on the right foot.  I talked about cherishing all of those moments and growing old loving my children fiercely and unconditionally.

By the end, she was laughing in spite of herself.  She was picturing those moments and probably a few of her own.  It was real and alive.  It was happening.  And the test tomorrow is going to prove it.

Missed It By 1 Minute

This morning, my wife woke me up at 4:59 a.m.  How can I be so precise, you might ask?  Because my alarm goes off at 5:00 a.m.  So, she wakes me up, crying and sniffling.  I held her for a while, just rubbing her back and letting her get it all out.  When the tears let up a little, I asked her what was wrong, and she said, "I can't feel anything."  Not sure exactly what that meant, I dug a little deeper, and she replied, "I can't feel the baby.  The last time, I felt 'something,' a connection to the baby.  I don't know how to explain it, but I felt different."

Now, I'm no expert, but I'm not sure that you can feel a pregnancy after 1 week.  I mean there are lots of women that go 5-6 weeks before they realize they're pregnant, so 1 week seems too soon.  But I'm a man, so I have no personal frame of reference about this.  I do know that not all pregnancies are the same.  The same woman can experience different symptoms between two different babies.  So, I'm not taking this as a sign that this round is over.  We still have two days until the blood test, so I'm just going to wait and see.

As we lay there, my wife asked me, "How do you feel?  Do you feel different this time?"  I replied that honestly, I felt exactly the same.  I didn't feel at all.  I don't sit around stressing about it, or getting anxious.  I don't let it sit in the front of my mind all of the time, because it does absolutely no good.  I can't control it.  I can't change the outcome.  I just worry for nothing.  I have to let God take it, and I have to let it go.  He has this, and it's His will either way.  So, I just wait for the blood test.

Insertion Day

Today was insertion day.  We had to go to the clinic around lunch, which means my wife was a frantic mess all morning.  I can at least distract myself for a couple of hours with work, so I don't think about it.

Everything went smoothly.  We found out that we had several AA-rated embryos, but we decided to only go with one this time.  While doing two would increase our chances, there's a slight chance of twins as well.  We wouldn't mind twins, but we don't want to risk upsetting the delicate balance of nature either.

The doctor and entire nursing staff are fantastic.  They are so gentle and kind to both of us.  The doctor even helped me get dressed in my "scrubs" so I could be in there with them.  It's amazing that the prep time is like 30 minutes and the procedure is about 3 minutes.  It is so quick.  Kind of like spending hours preparing a meal that takes 20 minutes to consume!

My wife is on bed rest for the rest of the day, but she has already told me that she's milking it for the rest of the week.  She's invoking her Queen Card, so I guess I'm in charge of everything for the next couple of days.  Get ready for burnt microwave meals!