And the sad part is that we could have been having a fabulous day with him, and then he’d find a way to ruin it right before he went to bed. I had tried several different approaches, like making getting ready for bed a game or sitting him down and having a calm, heart-to-heart conversation with him, but none of them changed his behavior. And it was starting to affect my own mental and emotional state. I kept waiting for the shoe to drop every day, when everything would eventually fall apart.
And then I remembered that quote from Gladiator, when Marcus Aurelius is explaining to Commodus why he’s not passing the throne to him. “Your faults as a son are my failures as a father.” And I started to wonder what had changed in my own behavior over the past several weeks that could be affecting Troy. So, I did a little self-reflecting, and I realized that I was very stressed out. Stressed out with my relationship with my wife. Stressed out with work. Stressed out with the constant chores of the house that I mostly do alone. Stressed out with the extra projects I’d started around the house. Stressed out with having no free time, no me time, because my wife kept scheduling activities every weekend. And Troy even being slightly out of line was throwing me over the edge.
My wife is generally speaking wound more tightly than I am on most days. She’s had a lot going on in her life over the past year that has weighed heavily on her, and she’s not handled it well. Little things that Troy does (or doesn’t do) irritate her to no end, and it’s not uncommon for her to go from zero to explosion in 2.7 seconds. I serve as the buffer to deescalate the situation, give her a break, and calmly work with Troy to accomplish whatever it is that he’s suppose to be doing. But in my state of extreme stress, I was also finding being constantly put into this buffer role as stressful. So, she’d blow up at him, and then ultimately, I’d end up blowing up at him too.
So, back to Gladiator. It wasn’t necessarily that Troy was acting differently. It was that I was reacting differently. And then my reaction was exacerbating his behavior. My failures as a father were causing his faults as a son. So, I decided to observe my son to see what he needed from me that he wasn’t getting. And I realized that he’d been asking for a lot of hugs lately, which I was reluctant to give, because I was always mad at him. So, I decided to spend the next few days going out of my way to shower him with affection at random times. I hugged him…a lot. I kissed him. I told him I loved him. I praised him for every little thing he did correctly. I thanked him for doing things without being told more than once. And Troy responded.
There was a dramatic change in his behavior. He became the model of a perfect child. He listened. He obeyed. He was overly empathetic and understanding. He was loving and affectionate. He stopped talking back to us. And he became extremely helpful around the house. All of this served to help alleviate some of my stress, which precipitated more good vibes toward him. And the more good vibes he got, the more good vibes he gave back.
So, yesterday, I bought him a present for being such a good boy over the last week. I surprised him with it this morning when he woke up. The elation and joy on his face was priceless. He thanked me profusely, and I was treated to even more hugs as I cut Godzilla and Shimo from their boxes. He even scarfed down his breakfast this morning in record time just so he could spend more time battling with his new toys. The smile didn’t leave his face all morning. I’d say overall this was a much better outcome than what happened to Marcus Aurelius. I’m so glad that Troy didn’t smother me to death with a pillow! I’m also glad to have restored my relationship with Troy. I missed this version of us.
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