Blurry Photos

I found a way to entertain Troy today. I gave him my phone and told him to take pictures of anything he wanted. I now have 283 blurry photos of things he saw on our drive home…clouds, airplanes, road signs, other cars, the back of the seat in front of him. But the only one that came out perfectly was the one of me picking my nose!

Hard of Listening

Troy: “So, dada, when I was done with my picture, Sasha came up and asked why I Xed out her name. I told her that I didn’t X it out, I was coloring it purple. But she just kept saying the same thing. She said it three times!”

Me: “Well, I can kind of understand why Sasha would say that. Until you explained it to me, I thought you’d Xed her out too.”

Troy: “But I TOLD her I was trying to color it purple, and she just kept saying the same thing! She said it three times!”

Me: “It sounds like she didn’t believe you.”

Troy: “No, she just doesn’t listen!”

Never Trust the Crab

My Wife: “Ahhhh! The shark ate my fish, Troy!”

Troy: “That’s because you chose the wrong fish.”

My Wife: “How am I supposed to know the right fish?!”

Troy: “I told you to be a little more careful.”

My Wife: “I know. I was trying.”

Troy: “Never trust the crab. You should have gotten the mudskipper.”

My Wife: “Okay, I’ll know next time.”

Me: “Never…trust…the crab.”

Door vs. Thumb

Well, Troy slammed his thumb in the car door today. I was getting the groceries out of the back, when he let out an ear-piercing scream. I turned to see him standing with the door closed and his finger jammed inside. I ran and jerked the door open and took him inside to get some ice. His finger is red and swollen now. We’re going to have to take him to get X-rays to see if he broke it. The only silver lining in this is that it was the driver’s side door, so he couldn’t have slammed it too hard, because I park so close to the wall that I can barely get the door open. But he might still have a hairline fracture.

Beast Mode

There’s a grandma here at the mall, and she was walking in front of the slide at the exact moment that a kid was sliding down it. She saw him, but there was nowhere that she could go to avoid him. He plowed right into her, and she just stood there and absolutely wiped him out. He went flying off to the side on his back with his legs flailing widely above him. And she calmly kept right on walking. Granny is a beast!

The Red Balloon

I’m sitting at the mall, and the guy next to me has a red balloon, and every kid in here has come by to see it and touch it. It’s hilarious how easy it is to amuse a child...and a few adults.

Oh, Screw It!

We were at the mall today, so Troy could get some energy out at the indoor playground. He was playing tag with a group of kids, and when it was Troy’s turn to be it, he sat down, covered his eyes, and shouted, “One…two…three…four…five…six…seven…eight…nine…ten…eleven…uh…uh…oh, screw it! Ready or not, here I come!” And off he went to find the kids hiding behind or in the various props.

Human Blanket

My back was killing me today from being on my feet all day, so I decided to lay down on the bed to stretch it out. I was splayed out on my face when all of a sudden I felt an oppressive weight laying on top of me, pressing me farther into the soft pillow top of the bed. After a few seconds, there was a high-pitched giggling in my ear. Troy was laying on top of me, pretending to be a human blanket, just like my brother used to do to me and just like I used to do to my wife. I guess it’s been passed down to the next generation.

Talking Hotdogs

Me: “What is that thing?!”
Troy: “It’s a talking hotdog.”
Me: “Where is its nose?”
Troy: “Under its mustache.”
Me: “That’s its mouth.”
Troy: “That’s right. Hotdogs don’t have noses.”
Me: “Is that so they aren’t walking around smelling each other and thinking they smell delicious?”
Troy [laughing and pretending to nibble on me]: “Yum, yum, yum…you taste so good!”

Five Ahead

I have decided to set all the clocks in the house ahead by five minutes, because Troy is always late. It takes him at least five minutes to get ready after you tell him you need to leave. So, we always end up late everywhere we go. I’m hoping this at least gives us a fighting chance, or I’ll set them fifteen minutes early!

Dental Secrets

Tonight, I was trying to entertain Troy while my wife cut his nails, so he’d sit still for her. I was flossing my teeth at the time, so I told Troy that my floss box wouldn’t stay closed. I pushed down the lid, and it immediately popped back open. I did this over and over, until Troy exclaimed that he could close it. So, I handed it over, and sure enough, he pushed it down, and it stayed. Flabbergasted, I took the box back, opened it, and pushed the lid down again. It immediately popped back open, much to Troy’s delight.

After several more failed attempts, I asked him to show me how it was done again. He pushed the lid down, and it stayed closed. The look on my face showed disbelief. He went through a technical explanation of all the things I was doing wrong, and then handed it back for me to try again. It once again popped open.

Over and over and over again. I couldn’t get it to stay shut. Troy giggled uncontrollably at my ineptitude. For a third time, he confidently demonstrated how easy it was to close, and for a third time, I was unable to replicate the feat.

His nails having been successfully sheared off, Troy headed upstairs, and my wife stopped me. She said, “I saw you squeezing the sides of the box to make it pop back open. That was very sweet of you.” I replied, “Let that be our little secret.”

Comforting Torture

Troy: “Dada, what are you doing in my bed?”
Me: “I wasn’t feeling well, and I needed to lay down for a few minutes.”
Troy [climbing on top of me like a human blanket]: “Oh, I’m sorry.”
Me [in a strained voice]: “What are you doing?”
Troy: “I’m giving you a hug, so you feel better.”
Me: “Thank you, bud. Wait…what was that noise?”
Troy [giggling]: “I just tooted.”
Me: “Seriously?! Why would you toot on me?!”
Troy: “I just needed to toot.”
Me: “And you couldn’t have done it before you laid on top of me?”
Troy: “No! Do you know what you need?!”
Me: “What?”
Troy: “A lovey.”
Me: “That’s okay, I’m good.”
Troy [getting up and stomping on me as he climbs out of the bed]: “It’s okay, I’ll get it for you.”
Me: “Oof! Okay, whatever.”
Troy [shoving lovies under my arms and legs and putting more on top of me]: “There! That’ll make you feel better.”
Me: “Thank you.”
Troy: “Oooh! I know what you need!”
Me: “Hopefully, you’re not thinking more lovies, because these are making me hot.”
Troy [getting up and stomping on me as he climbs out of the bed]: “Yes! You need a giant bear!”
Me: “Oof! No…I do not.”
Troy: “Nonsense. Hang on.”

…a minute later…

Troy [dragging his giant teddy bear onto the bed and dropping it on top of me]: “Argh, this bear is so heavy!”
Me: “Oof! Yeah, I know.”
Troy: “Awww, he’s snuggling with you. That’s going to make you feel better. Oh, it would be better if it was under the covers!”
Me: “That’s not going to happen.”
Troy: “Why not?”
Me: “Because I’m lying on top of the covers.”
Troy [tugging on the covers and trying to roll me off]: “Well, get off of them!”
Me: “Stop. I’m not a burrito. You don’t have enough muscle to push me off.”
Troy [propping his back against the wall and pushing his feet against my back]: “You want to bet?!”
Me [falling off on the floor]: “I thought you were trying to make me feel better. This is NOT making me feel better.”
Troy: “Since you’re up, can we go play now?”

Slap Face

We noticed Troy had these strange red blotches on his cheek today. He also has a runny nose and upset stomach. We immediately assumed he had a virus, and we were right. He has Fifth Disease, also known as slap-face disease, because it looks like someone slapped him across the face. It’s highly contagious to children, and the red blotches will eventually spread from his face to his arms and legs before disappearing after a few weeks. I guess we’re trying to run through the medical textbook to make sure we hit every obscure virus there is!