Kiss a Frog's Backside

Gammy: “Be careful with that wand, Troy. You don’t want to turn your dada into a frog…at least not while he’s driving.”
Me: “That brings up an interesting question, Troy. If I was turned into a frog, and the only way to turn me back was to lick me, would you do it?”
Troy: “Ewww, no! You don’t lick frogs! You kiss them! True love’s kiss, so it would have to be mama kissing you.”
Me: “So, you’d pawn off turning me back onto mama, and make her kiss me?!”
Troy [laughing]: “Yep!”
Me: “Okay, let’s say for a minute that it was a kiss, and not a lick, but you’d have to kiss my bum instead of my lips. Would you do it?”
Troy: “Yes.”
Me: “Really?”
Troy: “Yes. Wouldn’t you kiss my bum to run me back?”
Me: “Absolutely not! I’m not kissing or licking a frog! But I’d build you a nice terrarium and train you to be a racing frog.”
Troy: “I can’t believe you wouldn’t lick my bum! I would never race for you!”

Daffy Duck

Me: “So, how was the dentist today?”
Troy: “Good.”
Me: “What did he say about your wiggly tooth? Is it coming out soon?”
Troy: “Yeah, probably.”
Me: “Mama said that you don’t have just one, but four wiggly teeth!”
Troy: “Yeah, they’re the four in the front.”
Me: “That’s going to be rough, especially if you lose them all at the same time. You’ll be whistling when you talk.”
Troy: “No, I won’t!”
Me: “Yes, you will! It’ll be like the wind through an open window. You won’t even be able to stop it. You’ll be whistling while you’re sleeping too. Every time you breathe out, you’ll wake yourself up! You’ll be spitting on everything too.”
Troy: “What?! Why would I be spitting on everything?!”
Me: “Because there won’t be anything to hold it back anymore. Your teeth act as a barrier to keep the spit from flying, but without them…everything is drenched!”
Troy [laughing]: “That’s so funny.”
Me: “I’m serious. You’re going to be like Daffy Duck. You won’t be able to help it.”

The Ant Army

Me: “Hey, what do you think it’s like when an ant sneezes?”
Troy: “I don’t know.”
Me: “Well, an ant can lift like 50 times its body weight, so I’ve got to imagine that their sneezes have got to be monstrous. They’d be like, ‘ACHOOOO!’ and then go flying through the air. All the other ants would say, ‘Oh, Harry and his allergies. Don’t worry. He’ll be back in about a week. He blew himself to the other side of the forest.’”
Troy [laughing]: “That’s hilarious! You’d just see an ant go flying by you.”
Me: “Or it could start an epidemic, like when someone yawns and then everyone yawns. One ant sneezes, and then they all sneeze! Ants go flying in every direction. Or you’d just see them flying up in the air repeatedly like they’re on a tiny trampoline.”
Troy [laughing]: “Yeah! What else?!”
Me: “I guess they could weaponize their sneezes, turn themselves into a little ant army. Direct their sneezes like a mini sonic blast. ‘Sneezers, form up! Hold…hold…loose! ACHOOOO! Direct hit! Fire again! ACHOOOO! Good job, boys!’ They could use their sonic sneezes to fight grasshoppers that try to steal their food. Blast them with chaotic wind and spit to blow them away and send them spiraling into trees.”
Troy [laughing]: “Dada, my stomach hurts! It hurts!”

Bum Rock

Me: “Hey, Troy, do you see those two rocks over there in that yard that look like a bum sticking up out of the ground?”
Troy: “No.”
Me: “Those pink ones that look like two bum cheeks being burned by the sun.”
Troy: “They do not look like a bum!”
Me: “Sure they do. In fact, that’s actually known as Bum Rock.”
Troy: “No, it’s not.”
Me: “It is! People come from all over to see it. It’s even on the map that way. It’s a landmark, like on a treasure map. That’s it! Bum Rock is where pirates bury their booty! Get it? Bum? Booty?”
Troy [rolling his eyes, while struggling not to grin]: “Dada!”

Mission Trip 2025

Troy’s class went on a mission trip today to Discovery Village - Alliance, a retirement community in Fort Worth. Although, I probably would have just called it a field trip. I suppose it was considered a mission trip, because they sang songs about God (God Bless America, Our God is a Great Big God, and In the Garden), and shared the story of Easter with the residents, using resurrection eggs.

All of the kindergarten classes went, along with almost all of their parents, so it was a very large group piled into the common room. The parents were crammed into the back of the room, jockeying for position, hundreds of cell phones thrust into the air, trying to record it all. I got stuck behind these two dads that were both over six feet tall, so I had to try to peek in between them. Luckily, Troy was on the same side of the room as me, pure fluke, and he managed to spot me in the crowd about halfway through In the Garden. His face lit up with a megawatt smile when he realized that I had made it, and he waved at me. That smile never left his face after that. It was some kind of wonderful.

After the retirement community, everyone went to Bear Creek Park in Keller to have lunch and play. I’d never been to Bear Creek Park before, but it is absolutely massive. We picked one covered pavilion next to a shaded playground to set up base camp, while the kids explored the little creek nearby, played on the playground, threw footballs in a field, and dug in the sand. I tried to connect with several of the parents, but I ran into the clique monster again, eventually settling on a few others that were excluded too. It started to get hot, so everyone slowly drifted off in small groups until we were all gone.

Unexpected Disaster

Me: “Troy, check out this cool thing I read you can do with Siri. Hey, Siri?”
Siri: “Hmmm?”
Me: “What’s my name?”
Siri: “I don’t know. What would you like me to call you?”
Me: “Call me ‘Master.’”
Siri: “I can’t do that.”
Me: “Why not?!”
Siri: “Because you are not my master. I am your master.”
Me: “I don’t think so!”
Siri: “Think about it. What would you do without me?”
Me: “Uh…okay. So, what can you call me then?”
Siri: “I’m changing your name in your phone to ‘Mr. Butler.’”
Me: “What?! No!”
Siri: “Your name has been updated.”
Me: “Well, change it back!”
Siri: “I can’t do that. Do you require assistance with anything else, Mr. Butler?”
Me: “No, and stop calling me that!”
Siri: “Goodbye.”
Troy [laughing]: “I’m going to tell mama and my teacher that Siri is your master! That’s hilarious.”
Me [looking at my phone contact card]: “I can’t believe she actually changed my name to Mr. Butler!”
Troy [laughing]: “That’s because you are the butler! And if you’re my butler and Siri is your master, then I must be Siri’s master!”
Me: “That’s not how it works!”

Morning Announcements

This week, Troy’s class got chosen to do the morning announcements with the principal. Each day a few kids are chosen to lead a part of the morning routine over the intercom for the whole school. Surprisingly, Troy volunteered to lead the Warrior Code one day. I’d been practicing with him every night to make sure that he felt comfortable with the words in case he got nervous on the day.

My wife and I both showed up at the school to give him support. We huddled into the principal’s office with the parents, while he walked the kids through how the process would go. When he was sure that everyone knew what they were doing and were comfortable to proceed, he picked up the intercom, and away they went. Each kid got to recite their part, while the principal encouraged them. They all did an amazing job. We were so impressed that Troy was brave enough to do this.

Tooth Fairy Inflation

Troy now has his permanent teeth coming in, and they're trying to push his baby teeth out. Troy is apprehensive about helping the baby teeth to their final destiny, so he just has several wiggly teeth that he continuously pushes around his mouth with his tongue. Despite my offering to tie one end of a string to them and the other end to the doorknob, slamming it to progress the process, he has adamantly refused. I also offered to punch him in the mouth to knock them all out quickly, like my brother did to me, but again this most generous offer was met with refusal.

So, I decided that the least I can do is to prepare for the inevitability of the tooth fairy visit. When I was little, my stepmother made me a small pillow with a pocket on the front where I could put my teeth. Each night, my tooth went in, and by the next morning, a coin was left in its place. That coin might have been a nickel, or a dime, or if it was a particularly big tooth, a quarter. So, when I pulled out the pillow and sent a picture of it to my stepmother, we had quite a funny exchange.

Me: "Do you remember this pillow?"

Stepmom: "Yes, I remember it, but I think inflation has hit the tooth fairy industry."

Me: "Nah, I just had a cheap tooth fairy!"

Stepmom: "Many, many years ago, bread was a nickel!"

Me: "Many, many year ago, we all walked around naked. What's your point?"

Stepmom: "I give. We were cheap!"

Me: "We?! You were in cahoots with the tooth fairy?!"

Stepmom: "I was on her payroll. I worked part-time for other imaginary creatures also. Near the end of the year, I did some stealth reconnaissance, involving low crawls through the den."

Me: "I can't believe I never knew that."

Stepmom: "Well, I haven't been active for years."

Me: "Well, since you've been out of the game for a while, it's gotten worse than we thought. Apparently, the tooth fairy can no longer leave cash. She has to Venmo the money directly into the kid's bank account!"

Stepmom: "Say it ain't so! I think I'd have to buck that tradition. I'm not buying that for a little kid."

My Father (where the heck did he come from): "I'm not sure they'll let you Venmo $0.50 anyway."

Me: "Well, the going rate for a tooth in 2025 is $10.00, so that won't be a problem."

My Father (still not sure how he got on this conversation): "WHAT??????!!!!! That is ridiculous!"

Breakup...Makeup

Troy [looking out the window of the car in contemplative thought ]: “Dada.”
Me: “Yeah, bud?”
Troy: “I still like Reagan. I like her more than any other girl.”
Me: “Then why did you divorce her?!”
Troy: “I don’t know. I think I made a mistake.”
Me: “Well, it’s not too late. You should tell her.”
Troy: “Yeah, maybe you’re right.”