5873

That's the hCG level that we were at today when the nurse called to confirm that we are truly pregnant!  We have a long road yet to go, but praise God for getting us to this point.  He is an awesome God!  I never doubted for a minute that it would happen (when is a different story), but I know that it's a big weight off my wife's shoulders...and a belated happy birthday present as well.

I have been telling a select few people today, those that have been praying for us and pressing into the life with us.  When I tell them, they seem to be disappointed by my reaction, like they're expecting something more from me, and I'm letting them down.  I'm not breaking down in tears or doing cartwheels.  I'm not drawing out the suspense by oversharing details.  I just say it straight up like I'm sharing any other piece of information.  I don't really "feel" anything.

Honestly, I'm not sure how I am supposed to feel or react.  Don't get me wrong, it's a huge deal...I'm just not surprised by it.  I always expected it.  Every time we went through it, I expected that this was the one.  I was disappointed when it didn't happen, but I put it behind me and went into the next one expecting it to be the one as well.  I always believed that God could and would do it.

Maybe we have just been going through this so long that I'm callused.  Maybe I'm just exhausted from being everything right now - husband, wife, maid, cook, provider.  Maybe I need something tangible, like a sonogram picture or to hear the sound of its little heartbeat.  Maybe the reality of it hasn't really sunken in yet.  I don't know what this means for me or my life yet.  I haven't experienced this before. 

I guess if I was to feel something, it's a protective instinct.  I am completely focused on protecting my wife and my baby and making the experience as easy and stress-free as possible.  It consumes me.  I curse every bump in the road.  I fuss over my wife constantly to make sure she's comfortable and doesn't need anything.  I worry that she's doing too much, even if she's just cooking dinner.  I feel like the bodyguard.  Yeah.  I guess that's why I'm so serious right now.  I'm on high protection alert.