Cheeky Bugger

My wife hasn’t been feeling well the last few days. Apparently, she has a blood clot stuck in her uterus that is causing her to bleed a large amount of blood. Blood clots after pregnancy are normal and usually pass through the system on their own. But they don’t usually occur a month after the birth and get stuck. It’s not a dire situation, but it is making her dizzy and weak. Because of that, I had to take all the shifts with the baby last night and this morning.

So I’m sitting there holding the bottle in his mouth, and all of a sudden, he stops sucking, turns to look me right in the eyes, and unleashes the kraken in his diaper. The explosiveness and sheer volume of the poop was so vast that it overflowed the diaper and poured out...all over my legs. At that moment, I suspected he had gone to the bathroom in his diaper. But other than a warm feeling through my pant leg, I didn’t yet know that it was covering me.

And that’s when the cheeky little bugger rubbed my nose in it so to speak. Knowing what he’d just done, the fastest bottle sucker in the south suddenly became a moo juice connoisseur. He started taking small sips from the nipple and pausing in between each one to smack his lips and savor it. I swear I heard him swishing the moo juice around in his mouth to appreciate its smoky flavor and full body. He dragged that bottle out for over ten minutes, where it normally takes him ten seconds. The entire time the pungent odor of poop growing stronger and stronger in my nostrils. I no longer trust his smiles or calm demeanor, because it normally means that he’s up to something mischievous at my expense.