Zero to Hangry to Zero Again

It still catches me off guard how fast the baby can go from mouth-agape asleep to red-faced, screaming hysteria. He’ll cry if he has a bad poopy diaper, but it’s more of a moaning sob. But if he’s hungry, oh my god it’s on! My eardrums are throbbing as he screeches in my face. His mouth is fully open, tongue vibrating with the sound. His eyes are closed tight to allow adequate space for his flushed, red cheeks to rise as high as possible. At this point, no attempt to console him will work. He wants one thing, and he will scream until he gets it. Food. And the moment he gets it, everything is fine with the world again. We are once again adequate caretakers, and he settles into a contented sucking bliss...that is assuming that we feed him enough!

This is what I imagine his screams imply:

How dare you starve me you insolent naves! Do you know who I am?! I’m the prince, and I shall not be treated this way! Don’t you know it’s been twelve minutes since I last ate? How do you expect me to keep going on such sparse rations?! I’m literally withering away before your eyes, and you do nothing! I don’t want that stupid green false nipple that provides no sustenance. I want the moo juice, and I want it now! You have one job, which is to provide me with moo juice on demand whenever I crave it, and you suck at it. I can’t believe I got stuck with such incompetent morons. Alas, my life is a torturous nightmare. I’m a slave, a prisoner...but even they get treated better than I do. I don’t think I’m ever going to eat again. You’re trying to kill me aren’t you? Aren’t you?! I’m dying, I’m dying!!!

Oh, wait, what’s that? Could it be? It’s the right consistency. I think it is...moo juice! Everything is okay, nothing to see here. [suck, suck] The overlords have come to their senses. [suck, suck, suck, suck] I still might trade them in at some point, but for now they will do for another few minutes. [suuuuccckk, suuuuccckk] Oh, sweet moo juice...sweet nectar of the gods...sweet ambrosia on my tongue...how I’ve missed you. [suck...pause...suck...suck] I never want to be parted from you again.