Dinosaur Adventure

I have been missing something in my life for a long time now, but I could never quite define it or put it into words. All I know is that I am discontent with my life. There’s a longing calling to me to to do something, explore something, discover something; like I was made for so much more, and I’m not living to my fullest potential. I need an adventure.

Every day, I feel stuck in a rut, plodding along through a monotonous, repetitive routine. I get up and do the same things every day, and then I go to sleep, only to get up the next day and do it all over again. I have nothing to look forward to, nothing that stirs my heart. In a word, I’m bored.

Some may say that I’m going through some sort of mid-life crisis, and maybe they’re right. But I’m not looking to buy a sports car or take on a mistress. I just want to enjoy my life and get the most out of it. Time is such a precious commodity, that it seems a waste to just pass through it in a blur, dead inside.

I find myself inventing adventures, even small ones, just to have a momentary blip in the routine. I think people believe that I’m obsessed with buying dinosaurs to spoil my son, but that’s not it. Sure he enjoys them when I get them, but it’s really about the journey. It’s like a treasure hunt to track down a store that has a new one or a different one. Last year when I started all of this, I took days off work to drive all over the city to track down dinosaurs, and I never felt more alive and happy. It’s was just me and God; shopping, searching, getting out there, and living. I took lunches with me, and I’d eat in store parking lots, just enjoying the weather and the people. I looked forward to those days off.

A year and a half ago when Troy was at his previous daycare, before the pandemic, I would pick him up after work. I’d strap him into his car seat, give him a snack, and off we’d go on an adventure. We didn’t have a destination, we just drove. We’d pick different roads and directions, turning down interesting-looking drives and looking for new “unexplored” locations. Troy would look contentedly out the window, enjoying it as much as I did. I think we both looked forward to those drives; the freedom to explore and discover…the freedom to be alive. But sadly Troy had to change daycares, and he was no longer close enough for me to go pick up after work. So, I lost my buddy and my reason to explore. I tried a few times alone, but it was never the same after that.

But that need, that longing never went away. I just don’t have a way to satisfy the need now. I’m restless, like a caged lion, pacing back and forth in front of the bars. I remember what freedom felt like, I can see it, almost taste it, but I can’t get to it. I’m stuck, and nobody seems to understand that I feel like I’m slowly dying inside. I’m waiting to start living life, sometime in the future. Hopefully sometime soon.