Mama's Little Turd

The last few days, Troy has only wanted his mother…for everything. I’m not allowed to do anything with or for him. It’s not just that he pushes me away, but he’s been mean about it. He’s disrespectful and cruel in his rejection.

For example, tonight I was trying to give him a bath, and he sat down in the tub with his back to me and refused to get up or turn around. We usually give him a quick standing bath, so it’s very difficult to bath him when he sitting…esp. when he’s as far away as possible and inaccessible. When I asked him to get up, he started screaming, “I don’t want you, I want mama!”

After the bath, which was rough and difficult, I was trying to dry him off, and he kept kicking me in the chest repeatedly. I told him not to do that, and he took a swipe at my face with his fist. So, I wrapped the towel tightly around him, pinning his arms to his side. He screamed all the way to the changing table, and when I put him on his back and released the towel, he kicked me in the face.

He wouldn’t let me put his diaper or clothes on. He kept rolling over, flipping his legs in the air, and moving away from me. Anything to make it difficult. And all the while, he was saying, “I want mama! Where’s mama?”

Later on at dinner, after he was taking a particularly long time in between bites, I said, “It’s getting late, bud, you need to take a bite and finish up.” To which he replied, “Don’t talk to me!” and went back to his TV. And I’d finally had enough. I was so completely hurt and disrespected. It was so casually cruel.

My wife tried to tell me that he didn’t know what he was saying, but I think he did. He was trying to hurt me, to get under my skin and push my buttons. He does it all the time. I’m the mean one, and his mother is the nice one. But it’s easy to be the nice one, when you’re not the disciplinarian or the taskmaster. When you aren’t the one trying to keep our son on a schedule and teach him boundaries. When you just swoop in every once in a while with a hug or indulgence. He despises me for doing the right thing…for doing what’s best for him. And I’m left on an island by myself for my love.

The sad part is that I actually left work a little early today and went to the store to buy him a gift. I walked up and down every aisle to find just the perfect thing to make him happy. But I’m not giving it to him now. He doesn’t deserve a gift or reward for his behavior. I’m even tempted to return it. But I will sleep on it first. I won’t act rashly in my disappointment and anger.

My wife put Troy to bed tonight. I didn’t even hug him or tell him goodnight. It’s the first time in his entire life that I didn’t tell him goodnight. I want to…desperately, but I’m afraid that he’ll just push me away again, and I’ve had enough hurt and rejection for one night. Besides, he doesn’t seem to care. He’s not asking for me. He doesn’t notice my presence missing from his life. He has his mother. That’s all he really wanted anyway…as he constantly reminds me.