Like the Animals Doo

My Wife: “Uh…we need to find Troy a restroom right now.”

Me: “To do what?”

My Wife: “To poop.”

Me: “Fantastic! We’re in the middle of nowhere. Where do you think we can find a restroom?! Am I supposed to take him into the woods?!”

My Wife: “I don’t know. I guess.”

Me [sighing]: “Let’s go, Troy.”

Troy: “Where are we going?”

Me: “Into the woods to poop.”

Troy: “Okay. Is there a restroom in there?”

Me: “Of a sort.”

Troy: “Are there animals in here?”

Me: “Yes. Let’s hope none of them come out while you’re going to the bathroom. Okay, come over to this log, pull your pants down, and sit on the edge of it.”

Troy: “You want me to poop on a log?”

Me: “Not on it. Next to it. Just perch on the edge of the log to hold yourself up.”

Troy: “Couldn’t I just go in a toilet?”

Me: “There is no toilet around here. You’re in the middle of the forest. You’re going to have to do what the animals do.”

Troy [perching on the log]: “Okay. This is going to take a while.”

Me: “How about you try to finish before the sun goes down?! I don’t want to be eaten waiting for you to finish. I don’t want to go out like this.”