I
thought I’d finally introduce Troy to the Lord of the Rings today, as it’s one
of my favorite movies. To be fair, he was actually very engaged and interested.
I just wasn’t prepared for how the experience would go. It was like having the
director’s commentary on.
Troy:
“Who is that, dada?”
Me:
“That’s Gandalf.”
Troy:
“Why is he wearing that pointy hat?”
Me:
“Because he’s a wizard.”
Troy:
“Is he a bad wizard?”
Me:
“No, he’s a good wizard.”
Troy:
“Is he going to fight the bad guys?”
Me:
“Yes.”
Troy:
“Are those the bad guys?”
Me:
“No, they’re hobbits.”
Troy:
“What are they doing?”
Me:
“Farming.”
Troy:
“Is that wizard a giant?”
Me:
“No, he’s normal size. The hobbits are just small.”
Troy:
“What’s his name?”
Me:
“Bilbo.”
Troy:
“What’s he looking for?”
Me:
“A ring.”
Troy:
“Did he lose it?”
Me:
“Yes, but he’s going to find it in his pocket.”
Troy:
“Why is he looking for his ring?”
Me:
“Because it’s magic.”
Troy:
“Where did he get it?”
Me:
“From Gollum.”
Troy:
“Is he a bad guy?”
Me:
“Gollum is complicated. He’s both good and bad at the same time.”
Troy:
“Why is he hiding?”
Me:
“Because he doesn’t want his cousins to find him.”
Troy:
“Are they bad guys?”
Me:
“Sort of.”
Troy:
“Where are the bad guys?”
Me:
“They’ll come later.”
Troy:
“Is it a bad wizard?”
Me:
“Yes, there will be a bad wizard.”
Troy:
“And a dragon?”
Me:
“No, there’s no dragon.”
Troy:
“What happened to the dragon?”
Me:
“He’s dead.”
Troy:
“Did the wizard kill him?”
Me:
“No, Bard did…with a black arrow. But that’s a different movie.”
Troy:
“Who’s that?”
Me:
“Samwise Gamgee. He’s the most important character in the movie.”
Troy:
“Is he a bad guy?”
Me:
“No, he’s a good guy.”
Troy:
“Who’s the bad guy?”
Me:
“Sauron.”
Troy:
“Who is he?”
Me:
“He’s the one that made the ring.”
Troy:
“The one that guy lost?”
Me:
“Yes.”
Troy:
“Oh! What happened to him?!”
Me:
“He disappeared. I told you the ring was magic. It made him invisible.”
Troy:
“Why’d he drop the ring?”
Me:
“He’s leaving it for Frodo.”
Troy:
“Where’s he going?”
Me:
“To live with the elves.”
Troy:
“Why?”
Me:
“To finish his book in peace and quiet. Something I know nothing about.”
Troy:
“Who are those guys?!”
Me:
“The Nazgûl. The Ringwraiths.”
Troy:
“Are they bad guys?”
Me:
“Yes, they are bad guys. They work for Sauron, and they’re looking for the
ring, so they can give it back to him.”
Troy:
“Why does he want the ring?”
Me:
“Because he wants to use its power to control everyone.”
Troy:
“Where’s the wizard going?”
Me:
“To see his friend the white wizard.”
Troy:
“What’s his name?”
Me:
“Sauramon.”
Troy:
“Is he a bad guy?”
Me:
“Yes, but Gandalf doesn’t know it yet.”
Troy:
“Who’s foot is that?”
Me:
“That’s the Ringwraith’s.”
Troy:
“Where’s his face?”
Me:
“It’s under his hood.”
Troy:
“Why are there bugs everywhere?”
Me:
“They’re coming out of him.”
Troy:
“Why?”
Me:
“Because he’s a bad guy.”
Troy:
“Why is he chasing those boys?”
Me:
“First, they’re not boys, they’re hobbits. Second, he’s trying to kill them and
steal the ring from them.
Troy:
“Who’s that guy?”
Me:
“He’s the gatekeeper at Bree.”
Troy:
“Is he a bad guy?”
Me:
“No, he’s just a guy.
Troy:
“Why is everyone so big?”
Me:
“They’re not. Hobbits are just small.”
Troy:
“Who’s that guy?”
Me:
“Strider.”
Troy:
“What’s wrong with his eyes?”
Me:
“Nothing. The glow from his pipe is lighting them up.”
Troy:
“Who are those guys?”
Me:
“We’ve covered this. Those are the Ringwraiths. There’s just more of them now.”
Troy:
“What are they doing?”
Me:
“They’re sneaking into the hobbits’ room to kill them.”
Troy:
“So, they’re going to die?”
Me:
“No, but some pillows aren’t long for this world.”
Troy:
“Are the hobbits in a different room?”
Me:
“Yes.”
Troy:
“Where is that big guy taking them?”
Me:
“His name is Strider, and he’s taking them to the elves.”
Troy:
“Are they bad elves?”
Me:
“No, they’re good.”
Troy:
“Well, there are bad elves too. Some of them are bad.”
Me:
“No, all elves are good.”
Troy:
“Why is Frodo angry?”
Me:
“Because his friends lit a fire and were making noise. Now, the bad guys are
coming.”
Troy:
“Who are those guys?”
Me
[sighing]: “Still the Ringwraiths.”
Troy:
“I want to see their faces. What do their faces look like?”
Me:
“Wait 20 seconds and you’ll see.”
Troy:
“Why are they all white?”
Me:
“Because they’re ghosts.”
Troy:
“Oh no! Frodo got stabbed! Is he dying?”
Me:
“Yes.”
Troy:
“Who’s that?”
Me:
“Arwen. She’s an elf princess.”
Troy:
“Is she a bad elf?”
Me:
“We’ve been over this. All elves are good.”
Troy:
“Is Frodo going to die?”
Me:
“No, the elves are going to heal him and fix his boo-boo.”
Troy:
“Who’s chasing her?!”
Me:
“Still the Ringwraiths.”
Troy:
“Is she going to fight them?”
Me:
“Yes, with magic. Watch this, it’s cool. The water horses are coming.”
Troy:
“Did the bad guys die?”
Me:
“Troy, are you going to talk throughout the entire movie?! You haven’t stopped
asking questions since the movie began! This movie is over three hours long,
and I’m not going to sit here and have you pester me with questions the entire
time! Just sit quietly and enjoy it.”
…a
few minutes later.
Troy:
“Who’s that?”
Me
[sighing]: “Elrond.”
Troy:
“Is he a bad guy?”
