Parent's Night Out

The daycare did a Parents Night Out, so my wife and I went out for pedicures and couples massages. This will be a first for us in our marriage and our first date since before Troy was conceived.

After the pedicures, I asked her what type of massage we were signed up for, in other words was it a full body or just a back massage. She said that she opted for a Swedish Massage. I deadpan looked at her and asked, “Isn’t that where they massage your pubic area?” She looked at me in stunned disbelief, and it suddenly occurred to me that I had it all wrong. I said, “Never mind, I was thinking of a Brazilian Wax. We’re good.” To which she lost it laughing hysterically in the nail salon. She asked, “What exactly do you think happens at the massage parlor?” To which I replied, “I’ve seen enough movies where people get sexually satisfied to think that’s how it goes. Wait, so I’m not going to be sexually molested?!” She just laughed harder and managed to squeak out a “No!”

UPDATE: My first professional massage went off without a hitch. In case you’re wondering, I did not get sexually molested. Not sure if that’s good or bad. Well, I did get my touchis rubbed, sort of, but I don’t think that counts. Besides, it can’t be considered cheating if your wife is in the room, right?

The masseuse wasn’t exactly gentle with me. She spent the entire session digging her elbows into my back, hips, thighs, and calves. In fact, I’m not sure she actually used her hands on any part of my body at all! I was actually in an extreme amount of pain, and it wasn’t relaxing at all. But having never done this before, I just took it, thinking this was part of the process. But every pass hurt more than the last. I was relieved when she finally stopped, that is until she told me to turn over! Luckily, she only rubbed my feet. But based on how bad my back felt, I think it’s good I didn’t get molested, now that I think about it. Based on this experience, I doubt I’ll ever get another massage.

Apparently, my wife’s session was more relaxing than mine because at some point she fell asleep and started snoring loudly. I found it hard to relax after that because I couldn’t stop laughing, and neither could her masseuse.

We arrived back at the daycare at 7:30 p.m., which was only an hour into the three-hour window we had. The owner saw us walk up and started shooing us away. I said, “I know, we don’t really understand the rules. But technically we’ve already been on a three-hour date, we just had to start early to make our appointments.” She asked us what we ended up doing, and we described the evening to her. She laughed and said that she and her husband, the other owner, had gone for their first couples massage recently too. He said that it was terrible. They were too hard on him, and it hurt the entire time. We concluded that masseuses must assume men like it and can take being massaged harder. He said he wouldn’t go back either. At least I’m not alone!