The Negotiator

I am trying a new approach to dealing with Troy’s willfulness. If I try to order him to do something, he’ll fight me until one or both of us break down in tears. He will adamantly stand up for “the other thing” even when it’s not really what he wants just because it is merely the opposite of what I want. So, I’ve started negotiating with him. If I do a minor thing that he only sort of wants, then he has to do the thing that I want (which he secretly wants too). In this way, he feels like he’s winning and getting something out of the deal. Like it’s a compromise. Which logically makes sense in his brain, even though illogically, he’s ultimately doing the thing that both of us wanted anyway.

For example, tonight he was sitting on the potty, but he refused to get off and go take a bath. He had long finished peeing, but he wouldn’t budge his tuchus from the seat. My wife tried the hard-nosed, direct get-off-that-seat-right-now-or-else-you’ll-regret-it approach. Seeing her losing her cool, I stepped in to relieve her. I chatted with Troy a few minutes about this and that to diffuse the situation. Then, I simply said that I was going to run his bath. When he refused, I pointed out a spider web on the wall. He asked me to remove it. So, I asked, “If I remove that spider web off the wall, will you get off the potty and take a bath?” He thought about it for a second and then agreed. So, I cleaned off the spider web, and he got up and flushed the toilet. Ultimately, I believe that his bottom was starting to hurt from the toilet seat, but he was all-in on staying put to prove a point.

After his bath, he once again dug in and refused to stand up and let me dry him off. No amount of coaxing would get him out. As I stood there holding out the towel, he noticed that it had a wayward string dangling from the bottom. He said, “Dada, that towel has a string. You need to remove it.” So, I asked, “If I cut the string off this towel, will you stand up and get out of the tub?” He once again thought about it and agreed. Again, I believe he truly wanted to get out of the tub anyway, because he was cold and bored, but he was going to be stubborn until the very end. I don’t mind giving in on a small thing to get a larger, richer prize.